I am approaching the eve of my first 30 years on this earth. I am surprised to say how quickly it went by, and how different it is than i thought it would be when i was much younger.
Every day, week, month, year; I am continuing to learn more about myself, other people, and most importantly who I want to be, and who I am. And I am comfortable with that. It feels so good.
But this weekend I sat down and thought about what I wanted to write about these last 30 years. Then I went to church today and the sermon was about forgiveness. True forgiveness. Forgiving other people and forgiving yourself. For the past 6 years I have been struggling with alot. I like to think its just growing pains. As I continue to learn who I am, and go through tough situations, its finally taking its toll on me. But today I realized, I'm actually hanging on to alot. And while my life is pretty good, it could be so much better if I was truly letting go. When someone hurts me in the present, I am immediately taken back to all the past experiences that resemble this present one. And the pain is magnified. I remember the things people have said that have torn me apart, its like they are ingrained in my mind. I still haven't let go of some things that have been done to me, and some things that I have done to other people.
So let me lay it out here and now. And for the next 6 months of this year I am going to keep praying about this and I believe I will watch my life change, for the better.
*I forgive you for what happened when I was 8. and I'm going to stop talking about this forever.
*I forgive you for what happened when I was 23 years old, and I forgive myself. And I'm going to let go of every negative thought I have about this situation and how it will impact my future.
*I forgive you for cheating on me, putting your hands on me, and the words you spoke to me.
*I forgive you for lying to me when I was 17.
*I forgive you for being mean and cold when I hurt you, even though I deserved it. I apologize again for not being mature enough to love you right. And I forgive myself once and for all, and let go of my regrets about our relationship. I release myself for better love.
* I forgive you for how you treated me when we were together, but most of all I forgive myself for making a poor choice to believe the things you said about me.
*I forgive all my "friends" who have hurt me, or decided to make a choice to cut me out of their life, because I no longer fit there, or your life is very busy. It hurts, but I get it.
I hope everyone I've hurt can forgive me as well. I'm sorry for offending you, or hurting you. And its important that you understand for your sake, that you need to let whatever I've done to you go.
If you truly know me, you know each and every person I am talking about. Don't ask, I'm not going to name them outright. But forgiveness will be the key to my survival and renewal.
And as I move onto my 30th year I vow to let go, and believe that there is better for me in love, in career, in friendship, and in myself. I've seen the hints of it, but I know it all begins with me. I will keep taking the strides I have been, keep trying my best to make good choices to propel myself into a prosperous future. I do not want to be dormant, ever. And I don't want to be lame, I'm too old, and way too cool for that ;).
I can't wait to celebrate another year of life on this earth. Thank you God for every opportunity. For every lesson. For every person in my life, and every person who has left my life. For every blessing. As well Thank you for everything that is coming my way. I trust you with my present and my future. And everything that I am and who I will be is because of you.
Happy Birthday to me! *almost*
