Shouting from the Mountaintop

My parents and I had a discussion a few weeks ago about Tim Tebow and his zealousness for the Lord. My mother and I are all for it. This is the first time I have honestly seen a man so openly public in the sports world that lives his life so openly in love with God, and its ABOUT TIME! My dad, well, he wasn't so convinced. He thinks Tebow is great and that its great that he loves the Lord but at some point he needs to tone all this down. This conversation made me think, and I started to do some research...How much praising the lord is too much praising the lord?

Tim Tebow is getting a ton of media attention these days, as he pulls off miraculous come backs on the football field and continues to give all glory and honor for his feats to God and God only. It is clear to me that Tebow understands something that Kirk Franklin explained at one of his concerts; "we must not confuse our source with our resource". God is Tebow's source, football is the resource God provided. This is much different than the way most football players probably look at football. Football is their life, their source and their resource, which may be why people find the way Tebow approaches football and even life a little out of the ordinary. (Check the blog entitled "not being of this world")

But has Tebow, and Tebowing gone too far? Tim prays before each game in the end zone. If you interview him you can be sure God is coming up in the conversation. He's the son of missionaries, and a christian through and through. Shouldn't all of this be expected of him? Why is the world so shocked when someone actually says and acts in one accord? Maybe that's just it. He makes people uncomfortable by being that open about his faith. I mean he almost takes it back to old school biblical times. And I can understand how it could be just a little too much for people, but I also know from where he's sitting he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing.

 Of course he is a role model for our youth, and now Tebowing has become a popular trend. So while NFL players, coaches, analysts, and owners argue about whether Tebow prays too much or exalts God too much. And if God really does influence football in some way shape or form. Kids are taking to Tebowing in the halls of their school and getting suspended.

Tebowing, which is defined by urban dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Tebowing) as, "striking a pose of prayer, down on one knee". People aren't actually praying though, they are just striking the pose, similar to the once popular planking. In some instances now students who do this are getting suspended from school. In NY teens were suspended when a group of about 40 of them started Tebowing in the hallway. School officials say this causes a fire hazard. (http://rivals.yahoo.com/highschool/blog/prep_rally/post/N-Y-teens-suspended-for-Tebowing-in-school-hall?urn=highschool-wp9989) All of this makes me wonder what kind of influence is Tim Tebow having, or better yet do our youth truly understand what he stands for?


I would love to believe, actually let me rephrase that, I have to believe that the way we live our lives influences others to want to know why we are the way we are ("you think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean
You think I'm so sweet It's the God in me"- Mary Mary). But i know too much professing can turn people off, and make them feel like we're fanatics. I'm just torn on the issue at times.

At the end of the day I can honestly say, I wish I was brave enough to be more like Tim Tebow ( he reminds me alot of my cousin Candace). To live what I believe outwardly and profess it everyday of my life. I also wish my relationship with God  was stronger than it is at times. I notice my faith can be shaky and I want it to be solid as a rock (I am aware this is a process). So Tim, if you haven't encouraged anyone else, you have encouraged me. I already dove into God at the beginning of this year and I will dive in again. I know faith is a journey and I will never give up. And I might not be as over zealous vocally as you, but I will shout from the mountaintop in my own way!

I know God is proud of you, I sure hope he's proud of me too. Keep your head up kiddo, you're fighting a battle and living in a world few people understand. And we don't live to please man.

I see you Tim, I see you!

I just can't remember...

Lately I have been feeling a little off.
Do you ever feel this way? You know when life has you on this high and you are doing everything you want to do and everything you are supposed to do and then you suddenly realize you've lost focus, or just gotten into a rut? I think the ruts in life are normal. But I hate them.

Ruts have me driving home from work, listening to Jill Scott, talking to myself sorting out my thoughts and feelings.

Ruts make me mad because they open my eyes to the fact that maybe it might suck that I am this in tune with my feelings, that I am able to feel other people's emotions so deeply, and that I see situations for exactly what they are (even thought I wish so badly for them to be different).

I know I talk alot about my search for love in this crazy dating world. And in 4 years I have thought that I've come close to putting my finger on it, and then poof. I asked a friend the other day if he got tired of reading my blogs, because I sound like a whiny old hag. but he said I simply sound like someone who likes someone and wants them to like her back.

and this my friends, this is true. I'm also someone who is scared to death of what she is feeling right now. I've expressed it, I've told him. You know I have a problem keeping it to myself. But alas, those feelings are not yet reciprocated. And maybe it just takes people a little longer to get there. Just don't ask me to be open, don't tell me you won't hurt me, if its not true.

 I've always been pretty open to sharing my life with another person, and when I find someone to spend my time with I just want to envelope them in. But not everyone is like this. So I can understand why you aren't here feeling this with me right now, and I'm sorry this rant sounds a little insecure. (I never promised I was perfect).

And I know some people feel there is a due date by the time that we should be official, or have done this or that. But there really is something beautiful about taking your time. Even if we never get to a point of being together, at least I opened up to someone new. And its always good to open up. (my heart panged when I said that). Because I  know that things will go one of two ways.

And like I always tell my best, "I know this stops hurting after a while, I just can't remember when". Honestly I'd rather not feel that again.
And I just hope one day someone will be as excited, and anxious, and nervous about me again, as I am about you right now...

Groupie love?

Another interesting conversation on the ride to work today. I was talking about how fast girls are now adays in high school, and my carpool buddy, a self proclaimed high school basketball star, proceeded to tell me about how fast girls have apparently always been in high school. He told me about how girls (at his high school)would write notes, folded with condoms in them and sleep with the basketball players in all different areas of the school. Or how they went to a tournament, and the opposing school's players were having sex with much older women (30+) on the balcony of their hotel rooms all night long. He said it was because these women knew that these young men would eventually go to the league.

that got me thinking....

I always joke around. and say man if I had gone to Ohio State I might have had to mess with some football players. Or that if I met Common it would be on. But in real life, I have entirely too much self respect. Don't get me wrong, I would be flattered because these people showed interest, but at the end of the day I know that me sleeping with them would mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. and frankly I don't find it cool to brag about who I've slept with, these men wouldn't even remember me, and if we were in high school or college they would probably act like they didn't even know me anymore. Can we say embarrassing? I just gave you my cookies, and you don't know me? Sorry, hdizzle isn't down for that.

But alot of women are. Alot of women think its cool to sleep with someone because of their status. In my logical mind I cannot make sense of this. I can understand why you might want to have a baby with someone with status, because you'd be paid for life. I understand it, I don't condone it. Either way I think its foul. But having sex with someone famous, or with power, or with money, just cause? I can't wrap my mind around it.
Urban Dictionary defines a groupie as :

"A young woman, often under age, who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security, and other band-related guys" gq.com has an article about the Days and Nights of an NBA groupie. They define the groupies as such: The Gutter Groupies. These are the women who will wait outside the arena gates after a game and do anything, sometimes right there in the parking lot. If a player is feeling particularly chivalrous, he might let one service him in his Bentley. Gutter Groupies don't spring for airfare and hotel rooms for NBA All-Star weekend. They won't go that far to give a free blow job. The Working Girls. The most prevalent category. Working Girls will bang a player if the opportunity arises, yes, but they won't do just anything, and they don't wait in parking lots. "They're the ones reading In Style magazine but doing the Look for Less," Brenda says. They're mostly blue-collar, often from the hood, and more likely to be swept up by the "culture of the NBA"—which is to say, hip-hop—than by the actual game or the players. "They're notch-in-the-belt party girls," says Brenda, "who'd be happy with a fling with a bodyguard." She pauses. "Basically, this is their hobby. Working Girls have a helluva lot more fun." The Fly Girls. These are the women who are just classy enough to merit a second encounter with a player. They might even get a piece of jewelry or a ride on the team's private plane. To be a Fly Girl, you need to be toting real Louis Vuitton. "You also have to be really gorgeous," says Brenda. A great many Fly Girls are often in denial, she says. "They refuse to see themselves as groupies. They need All-Star rehab or something." **read the full article here: http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/200606/nba-men-women-groupies** I think a groupie is just a misguided individual. I hate to judge. I've done my dirt too. But have some more worth. Having sex with someone just because they are a rapper, or a ball player, or a politician, will literally get you no where. I mean cool you can write a book about your sexapades, and yea we are all gonna read it, but guess what, none of us respect you. And do you know why? Because despite popular belief its not awesome to sleep with all the famous people and then talk about it. What's awesome is doing what you do, and keeping it to yourself. What's awesome is having enough respect for yourself to keep your naked pictures for someone who actually knows you, not someone you just met on facebook. What's awesome is knowing your worth, and choosing to be with someone who will remember your name in the morning, and call you next week!! Y'all do what you do. I don't know what the world is coming to. But all this excessive groupie love is starting to make me sick. I'm keeping my legs closed....

overdrive....

I've been writing alot lately. Usually that means one of two things; either I have a broken heart or my mind is on overdrive. In this situation its the latter reason, and its so irritating. sometimes it gets very tiring being such an intuitive person. But I know that getting my thoughts out are healthy, so my blackberry is filled with memos!

I won't go into too much detail about that in this blog (boo hiss). I am sticking to the notion that some things are better left unsaid, and frankly I am getting tired of expressing certain things. Its just not necessary, in some situations my words get me nowhere. ho hum...

But, I have been having some exceptionally good conversations with friends lately. Me and my carpool buddy, John, were talking today about real music and where did it go. He asked me "how do you think rap music would be if Tupac and Biggie were still alive". Man what a loaded question!

Two legends, two of the best, two of my most favorite rappers in the entire world. If they were still alive? I hope things would be quite different. maybe rap music would have never evolved into what it has become; more pop than hip hop. It no longer makes me feel alive, its nothing I can relate to.

But then again, as the generations have changed, I'm not sure that this new generation would appreciate the music we loved from the 90s into the early 2000s. Everything now adays is just about feeling good. I miss the substance. I miss the way I felt when I would hear Tupac singing "I ain't mad atcha", or Biggie talking in "Big Poppa". I miss A Tribe Called Quest, and Nas in the early days. I miss Talib and Mos Def, and Dead Presidents. People who touched my soul. I mean I grew up in the suburbs but these people made me proud to be black, they made me understand that I was apart of something bigger than my family unit (the only black people I really knew from the ages of 0-13).

I respect every one's hustle. I understand that everyone is going to do what is popular to make money. And money is the name of the game.
But my heart just isn't in it anymore. I think I need to take it back to the old school.
Maybe if i resurrect the dead, it can cure this overdrive...

my insecurities are public....

Certain situations are reminiscent of others, and I've grown tired of reminiscing.

I don't want to remember the awkwardness of opening up and being shut down.

Or the pain of being let go. I especially do not want to re-live falling for someone, who is not falling for me.

But I know life tends to mirror itself. Especially in a relationship sense, situations are reminiscent of others.

I can be with someone completely different and their actions will spark flashbacks from before. Having me thinking to myself, "I remember this feeling".

Its what scares me into a lonely seclusion. What puts my wall up higher than before, and reinforces it with triple concrete.

Do situations ever change?
Does anything stay consistent?
Will there ever be a situation where I am made to feel sure and secure?

preconceived notions...

Superstar thinks that I think things should go a certain way all the time. You know, like things should follow a certain pattern, path or plan. I don't agree. I can honestly say I have been this way in the past, I am a planner. I normally like things a certain way all the time, planned out to a T. But the last few relationships, and these last couple of years, threw my planning personality out the window. I guess now I am just used to certain things happening certain ways, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I think that is how things are supposed to go ALL the time.

It makes me think though, are we as women conditioned to think that dating should follow a certain pattern or flow? Like by this date this should happen, after this amount of time he should be my boyfriend, etc....
We are. We are conditioned to think this way. And it is this type of thinking that can ultimately lead to our demise in relationships. We are always thinking in the back of our minds of the clock that is ticking on some deadline that is supposed to be happening in our current "relationship", that we can't focus on our present happiness.

I used to worry constantly about every little thing in relationships. When the next step would come, when would I be able to feel secure. But the truth is, we can never really be sure of anything. Even your husband can leave. The only thing we can be sure of is God's love, and the love we have for our self. So why are we putting so much pressure on relationships, and them working out in an exactly scientific way.

every situation we are in with another human being should teach us something. This is something that I have come to learn over the years. And all of my relationships are a lesson for me. I'm not used to people taking their time with me, normally things move very fast. I don't get all this extra time to scope out the situation and make sure its right, for me.

One of the things I am learning from spending time with superstar is #1. to go with the flow. #2. to take my time #3. not to take things so serious #4. that its OK to be the real me with more than just a handful of people.

I let go of my preconceived notions. Things can't follow a map, they will just happen as they may. And wherever this road leads, I just have to say I love every minute of this learning experience. I love the wait, the anticipation, the excitement, the buildup, to what is coming next. It makes me feel like I'm 17 again. I have no idea what is going to happen next, all I know is most moments I am very happy, just looking at that smile.

*don't follow a road map, just let it flow, get on my level ;)*

The spark....

I dated a guy once (years ago) for about 6 months. Everything seemed to be going well. We hung out often, we always had a great time, never argued, everything was real chill and fun. The relations were wonderful, and we expressed happy sentiments to one another. I was just starting to feel comfortable and think we were on the path to something delightful when one day, in an email, while i was at work, he told me that there just was no spark, there had never been one, and he was sorry.

needless to say I was a little perturbed. As far as I am concerned a spark is something that you feel early and you know inherently. The spark doesn't take months to build. It takes months to build deep seeded feelings or emotions towards another. But that spark? no that spark you can feel on the first date.

Its that tingle you get when he holds your hand. or the way your stomach drops like you're on a roller coaster when they look back at you. Its how excited you get when you see them, but you try to play it cool, because you don't want to act to silly. Those are all SPARK feelings, and then those lead to the CRUSH feelings... The CRUSH feelings are the fact that sometimes you feel like you could spend your whole day with this person, turn off the phone, shut the computer down, and blow off all responsibility. Its good conversation, comfortable silence, and a hug and kiss that make you feel safe enough to fall asleep next to this person at any time. Its all of these things and more wrapped up into one, its the whole reason that you want to spend time with someone in the first place. Without the spark, what point do we move forward from?

People strive for a spark... those that have been married for years are trying to learn how to get the spark back in their marriage. Its those initial feel good feelings. that permanent smile.

I can tell if there is a spark from our first meeting. I can tell if you are someone my interest would grow for or not (unless our first date or meeting goes horribly wrong and we have to give it another go). I don't know why but I have always had a gift of seeing beyond what people present to me. So while they may show me one side of themselves, I see the opposite. It could be part of the reason that I have dated people who everyone else thought were jerks, but I found sweet and kind deep down in side. Its because I saw past all the grime that was covering up the view they couldn't even see of themselves. Due to this fact we are all still able to be friends (give or take a few), and they are relationships I values.

Now that I've gotten off topic... lol. After me and the young man broke up...a few months later I saw him out and he proceeded to try to get back together with me. I asked him one simple question, "I thought you said we had no spark?". And he replied, " I was scared to commit, the spark was there from day one". interesting....**if you're a good woman, they always come back** (I've heard it said before)

needless to say we're not together. after careful examination he was not on the list of successful candidates for me. but during this 4 years of singleness, I have only felt the spark maybe 3 times. We are on time # 3 right now... slow and steady wins the race...


What is the spark to you...?

comfortably uncomfortable....

Lets just talk for a while...I finished my poetry book a while ago, and as I read over each poem, I realized that the majority of what I write about is sadness. Sadness of heartbreak, sadness of not having the relationship I want to have with God, sadness about losing friends, and the perception my friends have of themselves. Very few of them contained the joy of my almost everyday life.

I had to take a moment and think about why my poems were so sad. And I was suddenly aware of the fact that it was because I tend to run back to what is comfortable to me, even if its not necessarily the best thing for me. Because I get scared of newness. I get scared of making new friends, starting new relationships, and before I was scared of committing to the change that devoting myself to a relationship to God would take.

I say it all the time. But this has been such a transformative year for me. And I'm not scared anymore. I am just ready for the future. I am excited to meet new friends, and meet a new guy (lord willing), and I love the changes that I've made in my relationship with God. In every new situation you run the risk of getting hurt, but you can't learn anything from life if you haven't had a few scars.

at some point I stopped wishing for the comforts of the past, and started looking forward to the unknown excitement of my future....I don't want to be comfortable, uncomfortable has been kinda fun..I'm learning to be more patient, and go with the flow. I mean for real. I am able to handle things and situations that would have drove me crazy before! And I'm me, I'm coming into my own. Being comfortable in my skin is an amazing feeling....

not to mention this new crush isn't hurting this smile I've been maintaining...

and as my lovey Drake said, "I'm looking forward to the memories of right now".

anyone else...

Today at church the preacher said, "anyone else would've gone through what you've been through and been on medicine to get through it, or committed suicide, or gone into an addiction, but you are still standing here, without any of that". The basic premises? The things you've gotten through in your life, no one else could get through, any lesser or other person would've crumbled under the pressure. God will see you through. And this is so true. Have you ever thought about why you were able to get through your struggles the way that you have? Or the fact that anyone else probably would not have been able to get through those things and come out on the other end sane?

Last night I went out with a friend for a minute. And we were talking and I disclosed all the things I have been through in my life. He said it finally made sense why I was the way that I am (guarded). And I thought about that the whole ride home, and then when I heard this sermon today all I could think was "Thank you".

Thank you for making me exactly the way that I am. Thank you for this resilient spirit inside of me that has gotten me through every traumatic situation in my life.Thank you for that persistent sense of hope, even when things aren't going the way I want them to. The preacher was right, anyone else couldn't have gotten through it. And I may not have always handled my pain in the best way, but I tell you one thing, I am still standing. And I'm still happy. I'm sane. I'm a better person for it all. And I wouldn't change any of it.

I can't wait to see how God will use every single one of those experiences to help me fulfill the purpose he has set forth for my life. I love that I can relate to people on so many different levels because of what I've been through. And I'm proud to say there is more to me than what meets the eye.No one can guess what makes me tick. No one can believe the things I've been through. But I dare you to. Dig a little deeper, I am so esoteric....

:)

**oh and ps, the more I'm learning about how my struggles have helped to shape me, the more my guard is coming down. week by week. and that is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. I love being open**

defining me....

I was just writing back one of my dear friends on facebook this evening and I told him something that shocked me. Please don't read this and think I'm weird, but I told him that I'm doing better than well I'm actually doing great, and I can't believe I am actually at a place where I can say that.

I know I write alot about whats not going right in my life, but when I take the time to reflect I really am better than I thought I'd ever be. Let me break this down for you.
We all have that time in our lives that breaks us down and we just don't know if we will ever recover. I have always been a most resilient person, most things get to me but only for a little while and I keep trucking. I also am a genuinely happy person. But I had that period in my life where everything just seemed to shut down, and years later I never thought I would actually recover. I mean of course I have after effects but when they say you really are better from what happens to you, they mean it.

I so appreciate all the pain and discomfort of losing who I thought I was and discovering who I truly am. Last September until now has been like a roller coaster for me, and it has really been a time for me to reflect, grown, and learn. I feel like India Arie, "I found strength, courage, and wisdom, inside of me". I realized I could let go of unhealthiness, I could be there in the clutch for friends, I was able to manage myself financially in a bind, I'm way more responsible than I thought, I can get straight A's if I put my mind to it, I'm still fun, and best of all I make a difference to those in my life. Before that time I had no idea who I was anymore. I was just going through the motions, now I have defined me.(exhale here, I almost dropped a tear).

 I am so thankful for the opportunity to have the time to myself to be able to reconnect with God in a way I have never been able to do in my adult life, and now my joy is restored. I'm blessed beyond measure. I have wonderful friends both near and far, a family that I would lay down my life for at any point, my first niece on her way (I can't wait to meet you Stella), a job where I actually make a difference in people's lives, a car that runs, money to pay my bills, a roof over my head, clothes and shoes to wear, food to eat, good music to listen to, and occasionally a hand to hold  ;).  and I'm able to bless those around me, which is something that makes me happier than I can put into words. I love to give, and its so nice to finally be able to. I have almost everything I want, and the rest I can wait on.

So what's next? Just keep moving forward and make a list of things I want to do and check them off as I go along. And NEVER stop defining me. I learn new things about myself every, single, day. And I love myself more each minute. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be RIGHT NOW, and that's such a comforting feeling.

T.D. Jakes says to make a list of 30 things you want to do in your life and check them off as you accomplish each one. Well I am super tired, and I don't even know if I have thirty things. But here is a tentative list for now...

1. graduate from grad school
2. get back to being a youth pastor
3. publish my poetry book (its already written)
4. travel to Europe
5. take a cruise
6. sing on one person's song (if i can get up enough courage)
7. join big brothers and big sisters
8. take kick boxing classes
9. buy a house

**hahaha i can't even think of anymore right now. I am just over filled with happiness lately. and I hope my happiness reaches you, and that its contagious. Exhale the past, inhale the future. I'm on my way to the best days of my life....

are you coming?

Something Genuine

In my almost 4 years of being single I have been asked many times, "why, Heather, why are YOU still single?". Like I hold this magical key that would open the door to the answer to this conundrum (this is my new favorite word, lol). Or like out of all the people in the world, its absolutley bogus for me to have been single for this long!

I only somewhat have an idea of why I, Heather, am still single. One of the reasons is because as I have developed over the past three years what I am looking for has also developed. When I was younger I would settle for being with just anybody, at 28 I just can't do that anymore. I want my relationship to last longer than 6 months, and I'd also like it to be real.

I also feel that the more I date (which over the past few months I have low key started to loathe), the less I understand about this crazy game. Which causes me to remain single. I just can't tell if people are being straight up with me, or what they want from me, or why I seem to peak their interest but only long enough for them to get me to admit how much I like them and then they bow out. This hurts man, and it makes me wonder, "is there something wrong with me?".

Now usually I am a pretty confident chick, I mean #1 I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am beautifully and wonderfully made by God, and #2 I know that at the end of the day I have alot to offer. But when the same types of scenarios keep happening year after year, and you've had to resort to "dating yourself" as I like to call it, your vision tends to get a little skewed. I know I have spoken on here several times about this hard shell that I have allowed to form. And that is simply because I am actually a very sensitive person, who is tired of always having to wonder what the hell is going on.
Dating seemed so much easier when I was younger, and also in the age when social media was not running rampant. Now I can meet someone in person, and then look at their facebook and its like I'm seeing two different people. And with particular people I have to ask myself, "where would you ever fit in here"?

At the end of the day I think we all just want the same thing. I know what specific things I am looking for. But right now I don't want to be stalked, or ignored, I just want something genuine. I want to know that I can trust what you say, and I want you to show me just how much I mean, if I mean anything at all. I want to feel safe enough to open up and show all the sweet sides of me. And I just want something real. I'm so tired of feeling disappointed, or confused, or let down.

Eventually someone that I care for is going to sincerely reciprocate my feelings...and someone will love me too... until then....

seasons change

I have heard it said many times before that people come in to your life for seasons. And I have seen this folklore play out in my life year after year. I'm still shocked when I see certain people go.

I dated someone that I've known for 10 years. We dated for about 3 weeks. We live on opposite coasts. From where I sat we were on different pages in life and I had to make a grown up decision that he didn't necessarily agree with. We haven't really spoken since, and not because I hate him and don't want to have anything to do with him(we're not in high school) but because I've honestly been super busy. And the nature of our relationship has never been to talk every day, except when we were together.

So the other day I was perusing on facebook and noticed he had deleted me as a friend. When I asked him about it he said that I obviously didn't want to speak to him, he didn't want to block my blessings, its hard to love someone who doesn't love you back and he wishes me the best. I won't even begin to get into my thoughts about his explanation but I didn't think this is where we'd be. We've been homies for 10 years, then we date for 3 weeks, it doesn't work out and you delete me from fb?? Are we in high school?? I'm lost.

It got me thinking. And as I was doing my bible study this morning, which was about Paul traveling to Malta, it made me think about how sometimes God will use storms to remove things from our lives, but we will be stubborn and try to hold on. I thought about all the people whose season was up but I just couldn't bear to part with and how much time I waisted. How many other lessons I could've learned.

So today I say goodbye to 10 years of friendship. And I also say thank you. I pray, as well, that God will show me when I'm being stubborn and trying to hold on to things that he's trying to remove. I don't want anything to hold me back and I don't want to hold anyone back either...

I hope you learn to see when seasons change....

common courtesy and my attitude

Lately I've been dating a little here and there. One specific person who I am interested in, we'll call him superstar, has told me repeatedly that my aura makes him feel like he cannot approach me like he would like to. I'm confused by this, a little put back. Because when he is around, I am always holding onto his arm, or resting my head on his shoulder, or basically trying to have some type of contact with him in some form. But when he touches me its a 1 minute thing, he'll hold my hand for a few seconds, rest his hand on my leg for a moment, there is just no major affection going on. And despite popular belief I am an affectionate person.

That being said, the only thing I could gather from his comment was that there is something I am saying that would be causing him to make me feel I am unapproachable. So I took a step back and tried to think. I mean yes I am a bit of a smart ass, I joke alot, but these are all aspects of my personality, and I don't mean any of this in a mean way. I just joke around alot, of course I have a bit of a wall up. Any one who TRULY knows me would know why.

Its not so much how many times I have been hurt by dudes, although that did start to get to me after a while. But its also what my "friends" have done to me and so forth. You know life since living in Arizona has been drastically different for me, and it has been very hard for me to find people that I can trust with my heart. So maybe I am a little standoffish. But I am really working on opening up.

So some time goes by and try to be different. I text more, I ask him to hang out, I'm sweeter, I'm just showing him more of what I call "relationship Heather". And honestly I feel like I kind of get shitted on here. And then I realize that maybe my so called aura, is a direct reflection of superstars actions towards me. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I will tell you just like I told him, I don't go off of words, I go off of actions. And his actions are not linking up with his words. "I like you", "I really enjoy spending time with you", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I promise I won't hurt you",  "I respect you". It all sounds good in theory, but at the end of the day, I don't feel most of that.

For example, I invite him to go to the movies with me one day, after he's called to tell me "he misses my face", the movie starts in two hours. He tells me he's in a city that is about 30 min from where we live and that he is not dressed. final answer. no I'm sorry. no maybe a different day. just point blank. "I'm in ________ and not dressed", hmm ok so am I not worth you getting dressed and coming to the movies? Or the other day I invited him over and he tells me sure I'll come after I get done with this work I have to do, around 9:30 I still haven't heard from him so I text him and see whats up, he says he's still doing the work. And all I think to myself is man, wouldn't it be common courtesy for you to call me or text me and say "hey sorry, I'm not done, I won't be able to make it over tonight"?. How about the fact that when we make plans he's not ever on time. Or that we always go out super late, and I am not a late late night person. All this just makes me feel like perhaps I'm not worth the effort, or maybe you have too much on your plate to devote too much time to me. (2 days a week is it?)

And all these things, I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Maybe we just don't understand each other, or its an AZ thing and dudes just don't put the work in anymore. But why would I not be standoffish if this is how you are towards me at times? It totally throws me off. My common sense tells me you are not feeling me when you act this way.

Dating already drives me crazy. I'm more sensitive then I let on. And when I like people I like them. But this is why I also hate opening up, because it seems like right when I get comfortable, dudes sense that, and fall back, or confuse me. Leaving me wondering, what was the point in flapping your gums about how much you like me? If you really do then act like it, I know I have a little rough exterior. But I promise if you can just be real, these walls will come down pretty easy.

Get it together superstar. I'm not that tough of a shell to crack. But your actions do affect my attitude. check and check mate...

expressing myself

today has been the worst day for expressing myself. Its like everywhere I turned, I had so much I wanted to say and explain to someone but no one was hearing me.

To one person I wanted to explain what I wanted in a relationship. How much I had changed, how much more important spiritual components were than regular ones, and truly how I don't want people to make changes for me, but because they are changes they want to make. I guess this might be confusing, but I just wanted to explain what I PERSONALLY am looking for in a relationship. That's all I just wanted to make it clear. but as much as he said he heard me, as much as he said he wanted to change on his own, it didn't seem like that was the case. I got off the phone feeling like I had just talked to myself. and it was so pointless, it seemed, so pointless.

To another I was trying to explain that while i value their opinion, it is always the same. and I don't understand why they feel like they always have to tell me of some negative thing that is going to happen instead of just being happy for me. It makes me so upset, and it really hurts me. All they said was its the truth, and they are going to continue telling me the truth. period.

Just like someone else, who tells me things about myself, and when I tell them how much it hurts me, they say to me well its the truth, and that's the way it is.

Lately I have felt like I am talking to walls. Like everywhere I turn its just a brick wall. No one understands my feelings or even tries to. People just say I'm sorry, or I'm changing, or oh well, just to appease me or stop the conversation. But no one is really HEARING me. and no one is trying to UNDERSTAND me. I just don't understand what is wrong. am I changing that much that only a few people can truly understand me. I'm on thin ice here, and I'm tired of trying to express myself, but feeling like the people I need to hear me the most, don't.

not of this world

Galatians 1:10"Am i now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ".

What is the hardest thing to do as a Christian?
to truly make changes in your life, knowing that everyone will think you are insane.
Its funny how much we worry about what everyone else will think, and how little we worry about what God will think. Because isn't it his opinion that truly matters.

My life is changing drastically. And there are so many things that are different, and so many things that are continuing to change in me that are miraculous. A lot of the changes I have decided to make, and a lot of the changes that are just kind of happening. But very few people understand. And I used to care so much about what people would think of me, and how much these changes would make me unattractive. and then one day something just clicked.

my new years resolution was one thing, and one thing only. to align myself with the principles of God and to truly build a strong relationship with him. and to do that, might mean making some other people uncomfortable(sorry its not intentional), and making me even more comfortable. Because I simply CANNOT be the person I once was, it doesn't even feel right. All of my desires are different, my heart, my mind, the way i look at situations, even the way I handle situations. Its all different. And its all because I no longer live to please you, I live to please Him.

Is this really Change???

They say as you get older you change, and I agree. Of course you learn new things, you experience different situations which all help you grow and change. You wouldn't do the same things at 28 that you did at 23. Or at least I hope not.

But does changing as you get older mean that you become almost a completely different version of yourself? I am asking this because I am changing, or I guess I have changed. But while some of my changes are just normal maturity others are not. I notice that I am getting almost a little to used to spending time alone, I'm not as happy go lucky as I used to be, and I feel boring. Like I'm 60 years old not 28. I'm not going to lie this is a little scary. Also someone called to my attention a while ago that I seem to have this wall up, now I argue that it is simply because he is a guy who was at one point trying to holler and he came at me completely in the wrong way. But thinking about it I guess I do have a slight wall up, like the scars of my past are finally starting to get to me, without me even knowing it. And that's weird, because things that happened to me never used to get to me before, or maybe I just assumed they didn't affect me because I chose not to acknowledge them. When I was finally honest with him, and myself, and explained why I had a wall up with him, I realized. "Wow, Heather, those traumatic events from 2006, those really hurt you in a way you never understood until now". I still say I didn't let him in because he was wack, because I let other people in, I definitely want to share my life with people, but its interesting to think how the past can subliminally effect your present.

 I have been praying about this of course, because I know my God not only has the power to restore my joy, but also to get me past my past. But I also have been trying to pinpoint when it was that these changes started to happen.

I'm a blast when I'm with people. I'm not a lonely type of person. I'm just in a season in my life where I find myself to be alone most of the time. Its odd for me, I'm used to being a social butterfly. But at the same time I am enjoying all of this, because my eyes are wide open.
I just hope I don't turn into some hermit!

I don't mind maturity. But I do not want to lose the very fabric of what makes me who I am. I used to bring so much joy to other's lives....I wonder if I still do.....

taking responsibility

Lately I have been noticing things about people. And I want you to know I am saying this because I believe that when I am wrong I admit it and even when I am not wrong I am trying to make amends for what has happened. well sometimes I try to make amends, but sometimes I get fed up and I just have to walk away. But alas that is not what this blog is about really, this blog is about taking responsibility for your actions.

Have you ever noticed that when people get in an argument, or break up with someone, or get "played" by someone, or really get into almost any situation, it is almost always someone else's fault? I just don't get it. Its like no one is paying attention to the situation. Most times we are just believing whatever someone is telling us, and truly keeping our eyes open. And then when something happens to us, its no fault of our own, but the fault of someone else.

As adults, isn't the mature thing to do, to take responsibility for your actions? To admit that maybe you took some wrong turns, made some wrong choices, stayed in a situation too long for you own good? I mean come on. everything that happens to you is not someone else's fault. most times it is because you have made some pretty poor decisions. And i bet if you started to take responsibility, not only would it eliminate alot of drama from your life, but it would also help you to be able to get over situations quickly.

This is a concept that i was not able to comprehend for many years. When I was in college, everything that happened to me was someone else's fault. and boy did I have some drama. Now I still have some baby drama, because unfortunately, my "this person is ridiculous" radar is a little off lately, and I choose to put myself in situations with or around people that i should not be around. But its not like it used to be, and its so much easier for me to walk away, and for me to move on.

Life is a breath of fresh air when I can stand up and say you know what, yea my friend really hurt my feelings, but i can't blame her totally, she shouldn't have been that insensitive, but at the same time, i shouldn't have even been in that situation. Its so much easier to forgive, forget, and keep kick-pushin....

so grow up and take some responsibility for your actions.. please...i don't want to have to start calling people out by name...

I thought- september 2010

I thought us being such good friends would change your mind,
but then i finally got it.
You'll never see me that way and only fools sit and think something will change that's been the same forever.
You didn't even think i was worth a second chance
Because you never liked me enough in the first place
and then i remembered little things,
How you've never been there for one of my birthdays, or when my grandpa died you were MIA.
when the shit has hit the fan in your life I've been right there, but every month some new girl peaks your interest and i just can't compete.

Cause see i thought this friendship would change your mind. I thought you saw me like no one else did, but instead you just don't see me, like everyone else did. You're everything i want, I'll never be what you want.

I just thought you'd change your mind, I've been wrong a lot lately.

my 28th year

In approximately an hour and a half I will be 28 years old. I feel like this is a milestone birthday for me. Usually it wouldn't be, because in all reality 28 is just another year until, 29, and then 30 is the real milestone. But this year. This year took the cake for me.

lets get the count down...
#1. I decided to turn my entire life over to God, and I have to say it has been the best decision of my entire life. I couldn't have dreamed for anything better. It has been a rougher road then i thought it would be, but i have learned some invaluable life lessons, and i have seen things i may not have seen, had my eyes not been focused on him.
#2. i moved into my own place with a friend of my, which in turn turned into the fiasco of the century when she left to move in with her boyfriend. I struggled with my budget at this point. but all in all i made it through. And though i have sworn off roommates for the rest of my life, and though my feelings were hurt beyond belief, it was a lesson that had to be learned.
#3. my best friend, moved back to Cali, leaving me almost completely alone and without my ace. without the one person who i can be completely myself around.... sad day. but i have learned to fend on my own. with only 2 real friends on my side.
#4. i started grad school. man was this scary. i am doing well. but it is overwhelming, and takes up so much of my time that its ridiculous. maybe its good that i don't have too many friends after all ;)

**all in all. this year has found me a stronger, more secure person. Through the tears, the lonely nights, the men who stood me up on dates, the friends who left me out in the cold, the trials and tribulations, i walked away ;ok being alone, wiser, more mature, more in tune with god, and more in love with god than i thought was ever possible. I am looking forward to my 28th year and the overflow of blessings i am expecting to come my way. I feel like my life is about to burst open. New friends, new opportunities, new life, new blessings, new new new new new....happy birthday to me, for it is truly a new birth of me **

the condition of your heart, or the clothes on your back?

today i was listening to someone while they were talking
"i just don't get when people go to church in jeans with their Starbucks in their hand, i just think that's so disrespectful, why can't you take the time out to get up and take the time to get dressed up, me and my kids get up early and get dressed up to go to church"....
now i wasn't involved in the conversation but i did give my reply and opinion..."and here i always thought that god looks at your heart when you go to church, not the clothes you where. i go to church in my jeans and sometimes i bring my Starbucks and i in no way feel i am disrespecting my lord and savior"

it made me think alot about what my pastor has been talking about at church lately. about how we put the holy spirit in a box, and now I'm starting to think we even try to put god in a box. Doesn't he work in different ways for everyone? can't he show up, and work miracles differently in my life than he does in yours. we shouldn't think that he just is this way or works just this one way, he can work a million different ways, i mean come on now, he's god! Now i am not claiming to know everything about god, and if you dress up to go to church I'm not knocking you. I say go to church how ever you feel comfortable, but i don't believe that god looks at all at the way you dress when you walk into church. i think his sole concern is where is your heart. did you walk in with a heart ready to worship, ready to learn, ready to be changed and renewed and ready to experience him? or did you walk in with a heart that had other intentions?

i wanted to get upset about that person's comment. because she basically called me a disrespectful person since i wear jeans to church. but i know where i stand with god. and then i also remembered. there is only one person whose opinion of me truly matters. and i know where i stand with him. i also know that everyone is entitled to their opinion.

i just hope that you feel welcomed in whatever you wear at church. and that you know that god wants you there no matter what. because he looks at the heart, the rest doesn't matter...and don't you ever let anyone tell you other wise....

lonley 2-28-11

I wonder if people can tell
I wonder if people look at me and notice
I feel like I have a sign written on my forehead that says: "this girl has no friends"

"This girl has no people in her life who say they are her friends but she never sees them, they rarely spend time with her"
and maybe to them that doesn't mean much, maybe to them that doesn't mean they aren't still friends.
but to someone who comes home to herself and only herself every day... it'd be nice to have friends who actually wanted to hang out....

Because its getting to the point, where I have to remind myself that I'm likable, that people do actually enjoy my company. That I'm still fun, and not too boring and too serious.

I wonder if my one friend realizes, I always suggest we go out to eat, after we've spent the day together, so for one day I don't have to come home and eat alone....
after I write that out, it sounds so sad

inside I'm so lonely
my lord, I'm so lonely

-HRD-2011-

It's the climb...

So any of you who know me, know I love Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. Say what you will about the girl, she's talented and her show is cute and i feel it promotes good moral values. So anyway. She has this song called The Climb, which I love to pieces. and lately I have truly felt like that song applies to my life.

As you all know I am on this journey with god. *And by the way this is a perfect place to plug one of my pastors new books. If you don't know where you are with god, but you are definitely trying to have a deeper relationship with him and move into your purpose.. check out The Journey by Jason Anderson. Awesome book. I think it really applies to all of us in our walk with the lord.*
Now back to your regular scheduled program....

So I am on this journey with god. and my one  new years resolution was to align myself with god's purpose for my life. so far, so good. its been rough, but its been good. I have been learning so much its crazy. The year just started. We are one month in, and already I have learned more about god in one month, than I have in 27 years. And the main thing that I learned is that its a process. We learn lessons in each season of life, we go through trials and sometimes you know what we fail. But then we get back up and try again until we get that area right.

 We go through seasons where we have to learn to trust and have faith and truly believe in what he has for us. We have times where we are set apart, completely alone and we have to learn how to rely solely on him. We go through periods where we lose people we thought were our friends, but then we realize they never really were. We start to see the truly important things, and we start living for a different purpose. we truly are changed from the inside out. and its miraculous, because that's a change that can only come from god. its a change of the spirit, the soul, the heart...a change that allows him to work through us in ways we could not imagine. a change that allows us to be people we never thought we could be.

and after a while it doesn't start to be so much about the destination. it starts to be more about the situations we are in where we are learning these lessons. those are the most important things in our lives. and why? because without those mountains to climb and lessons to learn, we could never become who we are/will be.

thus why i love the song. its kinda prophetic...

"There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. It ain't about how fast I get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side.... its the climb"

sing on miley, sing on....

hdizzle's x factor

I was thinking today.. about my X-factor.. and not really the lauryn hill kind. though i have one of those i'm sure i'll reminise about one of these days on here, in a poem or something. My X-factor is a little different. mine is am i going to or not going to be friends with my X?

when i was younger this was the easiest thing on earth to do. I would break up with a guy, and we would still continue to be friends. It wasn't a problem. Maybe because my feelings really weren't that deep. But as the relationships got deeper staying friends got a little harder. let me break it down.....*all names have been changed*

X #1- puerto rico
my high school sweet heart. i thought that we would be together forever. like for real. he was my first almost everything and i was sure we were going to get married. now are we friends, no, are we cool i guess. but could we ever be friends no. because the same reasons we broke up are the same reasons why we cannot be friends. he just doesn't make sense. he asks me questions and wants answers, but when i ask him questions he doesn't answer. he won't answer anything about his personal life, and at the end of the day just wants to reminise about how we were in love and say that he misses me...but its all so weird....can't quite put my finger on it, but we won't ever be friends...

X#2- rude boi
wow.. this one.. this one...we're cool. we will forever be cool. he will always have a special place in this big heart of mine. but friends? don't trust him as far as i can throw him. don't count the fact that he lied while i was with him, did some other things that will go without mentioning, and then lied even after, and talked to me like i was dirt. even after he apologized to me, and told me how much love i truly deserve. we couldn't be friends. i'm sad to say, my knees still get a little weak around him. i still wonder what could've been. i was ready at one point to run to vegas in the middle of the night from flagstaff and marry this young man, but we didn't. and then i have to put myself in check and remember...he definently was not for me.

X#3-youngin'
this one i just can't put my finger on. all we did was fight. for a long time i felt like i was raising a child. but he loved me in a way i cannot explain. just unconditional, so christlike, no matter what i did, said, how i looked, how mad i got at him, whatever, his love NEVER changed towards me. and he was constantly trying to please me. that might be part of the reason we didn't last. i don't want a man i can boss around, one who will do everything i say. i definently want to be led, i want to be able to be the girl in the relationship. unfortunatley we are not able to be friends. and i still haven't put my finger on why. we can't hang out for more than two hours without fighting. and i don't want him back anymore, i don't want to be with him in that way, i just want to be able to be cool. but we are barely even aquantainces...

all this, this X- factor thinking, got me thinking about the next time i fall in love. "when i fall in love, it will be forever" well i hope the next time is like this. but in the event that its not. i want to be sure that we can be friends after. see everyone of these big relationships meant the world to me. and they are all people that i wanted to have in my life forever, even if they were just friends.

and i don't know where this is going mjf.. even though i think that you move way too fast sometimes. i'm not going to back away this time. i'm going to take  MY time with MY feelings. but i don't ever want you to be an X- factor.. you already mean so much....

hard truths, real realities

the truth is...
everything isn't as easy as it seems...i am on this journey with god and trying to learn to trust and follow him and its hard...because i am so stressed alll the time.. and when i say all the time i mean all the time..
its to the point where i can't even remember what being happy feels like..

today i was filling out job applications and i just started crying. i was thinking about almost everyone else i know. and how everyone seems to be doing great. their lives seem to be moving forward and going wonderfully. new jobs, new babies, new loves, just moving forward in these wonderful ways, with great things to look forward to.

and i just feel stuck. stuck in the same place everyday. dreading waking up and going to work. dreading not doing well at my job. hoping someone offers me a job that i can do well at and still make some decent money. i'm alone a majority of the time. and not really by choice, just all my friends and even family are wrapped up in their own lives and thats to be expected.

i just could use some favor, some blessings some miracles. the presence of god to comfort me so i don't feel so alone. less stress. some supernatural car repairs. it'd be nice to have some light shine down on me.

i'll never give up hope, i'll never believe that god has forsaken me. but i have my days. and lately those days seem to be everyday.

just waiting for my turn...

everyone is fighting their own battle

I said that to a friend the other day. she is fighting an internal battle. though i have no real idea what is going on, she only gives me bits and pieces, i know she is fighting a battle. it seems she has no one to turn to, and i myself have run out of words.

after i said that to her. i got to thinking about the battles that we all face everday. internal, external, spiritual. and it makes me think of the saying, "be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" i don't remember who said that though. but its something we should all think about.

you know, right now, there are so many people going through hard times. i mean people are going throught things you wouldn't believe. sometimes i even have to check myself, because while my problems seem big to me, in the grand scheme of things my problems are small. and the problems other people have, are problems i don't know if i could even begin to handle. alot of people have no one to turn to.

i wonder how you get through your problems without god. I mean how do you continue to rely on people, when people are so unrealiable? i only know a few people i can trust, and even then, i can't trust them to be there for me ALL the time. its impossible for them to be able to. and they don't have the power to fix all the things that need fixing. i think back to times in my life where i was in that wandering stage, where i was doing my thing, rebelling against what i knew to be true, and trying to find my own way, instead of doing what i knew was right, and i remember that when bad times came i relied so much on people and i also had a constant feeling of emptiness.

those times are gone. that empty feeling is gone, thank god. and while i am still no where near where i want to be spiritually or in life, i am so glad i am not where i used to be. and i am also glad to be right where i am, and glad to have the people i do have around. I'm glad to have a god i can turn to constantly, who continually shows me that he is in control and he cares for me, and is taking care of me. i am glad for friends and family that will pray for me and encourage me, and love me, and give me good sound advice, and understand me on a level most people can't see to...

as god continues to create a new heart in me, and make these changes, i hope he does the same for all of you..
because everyone is fighting their own battle...and in times like these, i don't even know how you begin to get through even one minute, let alone one hour, let alone one day, without believing in something, in someone, without some type of faith....that would be hard...
in fact that would be impossible...
get into him, and watch him get into you....
good luck :)

this feeling

my best friend had a baby today
her first child, she's engaged too...
and i am 3,000 miles away

there's a boy, well i should say man cause he's not a boy
who actually has his heart in exactly the right place it should be, god,
like he'd actually be good for me,
but i am 3,000 miles away

my friend, who i call my cousin has a new boyfriend
he just moved in with her
she's in love
this could be the one
and i am 3,000 miles away

all around me people are celebrating these milestones, or people i would love to be with (should be with) are lingering, and here i am so far away. you know i love being here with my family, i love being so close to them. i wouldn't give that up for the world. latley when i have been spending time with my parents i have been almost close to tears thinking to myself, when they are gone, these are the times i will remember most. we are making memories that will last a lifetime just by doing nothing together.
but at the same time i wish all my people were right here with me, instead of 3,000 miles away.
today when i called my lil boo boo (my affectionate nick name for my best friend) i cried on the phone because she was a mother, and i almost couldn't stop crying as i walked back to my desk, because i don't know when i will have enough money to get back home to see this beautiful child, and i wish i didn't have to miss out on any of it. wish i wasn't so far away. wish i was eating dinner each week with my old friends, and watching their love blossom, and watching them start families, and getting to really really be auntie heather, best friend heather, cousin heather... or whatever else they call me...
i get this feeling sometimes...
being 3,000 miles away sucks.. i have yet to find people here that make me truly feel at home...even though this is home, and my family is here... my heart is still 3,000 miles away...and i miss it so much sometimes...
this feeling...mmmmm i hate feeling left behind....

relationships #1

I love when people say they are looking for something serious.They want to be with a good woman, someone that doesn’t play games, someone they can rely on and so forthBut they make absolutley no effort…Looking for something serious, but they’re not even serious about getting there.And you say you like me? Haha no sir I think not!

chivalry

Chivalry is dead and I don’t chase dudes. You know I’ve been single for 3 1/2 years and not saying I’m ready to have a boyfriend this minute, but itd be nice to be shown some interest.I just feel like I have to do everything. Invite them to do something, talk to them, its like I’m in pursuit and they just sit back and I’m left sitting here thinking is this person even digging me?I mean dang. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone, or held hands, or someone opened the car door for me, or gently led me through a crowded room with their hand on the small of my back..Maybe I’m too old fashionedBut would it kill someone to pursue me just a little?I posted on my facebook last week is chivalry dead? And of course all my guy friends were like girls don’t want nice guys they want douche bags and ass holes and bla bla blaWell I know exactly what I want and I don’t feel I’ve pursued a douche bag or asshole in quite some time.. So what’s up..??Chivalry? Chivalrous dudes, where are you?

friendship

I’ve come to the conclusion friendship definently means different things to different people.Like on holidays people I consider close to me, either get a phone call or a personal text in which I actually engage in conversation. Not the same generic text I send to my acquaintances. And sometimes I call to check on my friends, especially those I consider my best friends.Latley I’ve noticed I have to change my expectations for friends. Like I can’t assume that I mean enough that my “best friends” will call me on christmas or often for that matter….Its sad when things change..you move away, get your life rolling back on track and suddenly you don’t really need me much anymore. “Merry christmas to you and your family” is what I get from you…And I start to question how close we really are…When I’m gone will these be th times you wished you had done things a little different? Who knows…I just know I just won’t expect anything from these “friendships” anymore. Text me when you can, we’ll keep it as impersonal as possible. No worries. I guess this is what friendship has come to

saturday

I love being with you
ReallyI just love spending time with youI’ve never felt more interesting like wow someone I actually hold in high esteem wants to sit and spend an evening having conversation with me….I’m lucky we’re friendsI hope we don’t go through another long not talking phaseI missed youAnd I’m just getting to all the good parts:)

.....

I used to miss you every day

NowI barely miss you at all

hmmmm

Sometimes I feel behind the curve. Like I know we all move at a different pace but sometimes I think I came to a standstill back at 23. I was talking to this kid at work today he’s 25 and has been to 15 different countries and was telling me how awesome it is and he asked me if someone gave me a plane ticket today where would I go.. I said England.But really I have no idea. I guess I never put traveling in the scope of my dreams. I never felt I could afford it. But I wish I had. I love history and there are so many places I would love to see and learn about….Maybe I should make some new dreams…cause these baby ones aren’t cutting it! Dream bigger!!!

J

Its been a while since I last saw youYou hold the titleYou’re the only person in this worldWho makes me nervousI forgot how much I enjoyBeing in your spaceYour laughYour smileJust simply having a conversationAnd as we spent hours and hours catching upMy nerves calmed downI realized for the first timeIn 5 yearsthat you have the most beautiful brown eyesAnd they sparkle in the lightA woman could get lost in those….
~hrd~

broken 9-10-10

I woke up the other day

And felt broken
See I made a foolish decision

I stayed in love for too long

With someone who never felt

Anything for me

And I woke up remembering

Finding his secret

And realizingIt had happened again

I let someone in

That someone betrayed me

And I laid that night

Broken

Shattered in pieces

Reliving the pain

I was sure he wouldn’t cause

I woke up a year and a half later

Still brokenI remember this feeling I wanted so badly to forget

And I’m tiredOf being broken

Over lookedLet down

By people I love so deep
His feelings never even

Scratched the surface

I believed a dream that

Would never come true

I woke up the other day

And realized I am still broken
~hrd~

crazy

To know you could be so perfect with someone and to know they won’t change their mind about you…
To hear “I think there’s something wrong with me, you’re everything I want, I just don’t feel it”
To realize that the people I have the most intense feelings for, don’t ever seem to feel the same back for meAnd I’m just left here going crazy inside my headTrying to understandWhen ill start making better decisions…
~hrd~

my world 10-3

You get so wrapped up in your own world, you forget to play your part in mine…
~hrd~

S

Desperate for some kind of affection, hold me for just a minute, provide me some protection.I know you’ll never love me, but I want to be in your arms. I know you’ll never miss me, but I want to remember you always. I know you’ll never want me, but I want another chance. I’m desperate for some kind of affection, but I only want it from you….
~hrd~

stomped

Stomped
You get stomped on so much that you forget you’re amazing. You’re this kind, thoughtful, loving, honest, intelligent, good woman.
And yet every time something doesn’t work out you think its because of your imperfections
Stomped on so much that you forgot your own worth
~hrd~

nikki giovanni

**so we all know i read alot, as i was reading a book recently, i came across this powerful quote that made me think. and also made me reevaluate the way i look at my situations. check it.**“Are you lonely sometimes? This is good, gives you time to think. Do you feel misunderstood? Wonderful, gives you are reason to pursue definitions. Do you feel unloved? Great, gives you a reason to sympathize with other endagered species. Makes you know you have to reach out, reach up, reach a little further. Reach again and grab hold of yourself” -Nikki Giovanni

good bye...

good bye my almost lover

good bye my hopeless dream….