Today is an anniversary of sorts. I was mulling over what to say today. But I knew I had to write something.
Today, a year ago, I ended what was one of the most impacting relationships I have had in my adult life.
And I moved forward.
I say it was one of the most impacting because it truly changed my beliefs about myself. It opened me up again, and it allowed me to see, what I truly need.
I've wanted to go back so many times. I've questioned my choice, month over month. Ive gone to bed thinking; "was I wrong?", "couldn't we make this work?". I've cried out loud "Dear God I miss him soo much". But I am proud to say I am still single, and more importantly than that, I am exactly where I should be.
Over the course of this year, I have allowed myself to journey back or forward maybe into who I am. A few people have tried to come at me, and tell me who they think I am, or how they feel I am being. But I have continued to listen to the voice inside of me, and realize that it is God telling me who HE thinks I am. And I will take that over anyone lse's opinion of me, any day of the week. Sorry you don't like me, but God likes me!! I am well aware of what changes need to be made, and little by little God is correcting me. Your job, if you are here, is to love me, as me.
I feel stronger. I feel more at peace. And I feel like my prayers are being answered. I can hear God sometimes. Not verbally yet, but in my spirit. I can feel the peace of yes or the rumbling of no when making a decision. I am learning to be patient and wait. And I have been shown his faithfulness, in a huge way just this week. I have forgiven without the apology i so desperately felt i needed, and will continue to. I am pursuing peace, happiness, and joy. And I am open to being used.
I really only had one new years resolution, and that was to finally come into my own with the lord, and be used for what he put me here for. I think so far that is going well. And this is a journey, not a sprint, one that I am appreciating every moment of.
I am so thankful for that decision I made on March 2nd 2013. And I hope if you read this it doesn't make you upset. I prayed about that for a few days. And I didn't even want to do what I knew I had to do. I remember being so scared to be without you. But now I am well aware, that God's plans for me are just over and above amazing (not that I didn't know this before but its amazing to see it pan out in front of you). And if I hadn't made that choice, I wouldn't be here right now, and you wouldn't either (wherever you are). I couldn't love me, and love the people in my life better. But most importantly I wouldn't be able to love God better, and be able to be used by him.
So, yes, what a difference a year makes. It went by so fast. I never thought I would make it through. And yet I am right here. Still strong. And singing praises. Don't give up. And remember that little voice inside you is your conscience, take a moment and hear what she has to say.
"In spite of calamity, he still has a plan for me. And its working for my good".
