Being Conditioned

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about the things that irritate me, or make me upset, and why.

And then I was thinking about how I choose to handle those things or those situations when I am in them. The conclusion that I came to, or what I noticed I guess I should say is that throughout my life I have become conditioned. Do you notice this about yourself?

Like if I get irritated with my parents or a family member, I have been conditioned to handle it a certain way. I cry, I get upset; I talk to my mom about it, two or three times (lol) or don’t talk to my mom about it (if she is the one I am upset with). And then I apologize and I move forward.

If my friends do something that upset me. Depending on the severity of it, I say what’s bothering me, they tell me what’s bothering them, and then I apologize and we move forward.

If my dude does something that I am not fond of. I either say something, or lately I am noticing I don’t say something. I keep it in. and I keep it in because I have been conditioned through past situations to feel that my speaking up is in some way an intrusion, a nag, a full out waist of time and annoyance. So when I do actually speak up, and say “hey man, this kind of bothers me”. I end up apologizing for over reacting or not being patient enough, or not taking their feelings into consideration.

Noticing a trend here?

Somehow I have conditioned myself through my relationships all around, to be an apologizer. Even when I’m not wrong. Even when I don’t need to. Just to make situations right. Just to make someone else feel comfortable. I say sorry all the time. And I don’t even feel comfortable most times saying, “this really hurts me, this makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t like it when you do this”.

Now the question is how do I uncondition myself. Is it ok to speak my mind, or speak my feelings out loud? Am I going to offend the people I love so much? Does it make me a bad person to not apologize? Are my feelings valid?

I would go into specifics, but I think its time to keep the specifics to myself and speak in general terms. I just want to know I can say what I’m feeling, I can say what’s bothering me, and people aren't going to run away in mass terror and decide I’m not someone they can deal with as a friend, as a love, or even as a family member anymore.

I speak my mind on a lot of things. But there are some things I really hold in.

I dunno man; maybe I should follow my own advice. If I keep holding things in, they are just going to fester.

Time for some new conditioning?

In the blink of an eye

I feel as though I am in mourning.
This hopefully won't last too long, but I am in quite a reflective mood.

Things are going on all around me that are making me realize that anything in our lives can be gone from us in the blink of an eye. Things can change just like that (snaps fingers). We should never expect that things will stay just how they are, or get comfortable but expect that at any moment our lives can be turned upside down. Morbid isn't it? But reality it is.

By now we have all heard of what happened in Colorado at the Batman premiere. I have to say I am appalled. A little surprised. While our entire nation sits in shock that someone would commit such an act. I sat with my cousin last night and counted all the moments we could remember in history in this country where someone did something terrible (i.e. columbine, 9/11, Oklahoma city, etc). I thought to myself its so sad. It so sad that people have to lose their lives in such a matter. But its also so sad that in other parts of the world this happens every single day. People literally live in a war zone, and don't know if today is going to be their last day literally. I am not at all discounting what happened yesterday, I am simply trying to point out how short life really is, and how this is slowly becoming our reality here in the states.

I have an acquaintance whose fiance got into a bmx accident and now is paralyzed from the waist down. We are all praying for his recovery through rehab. and i truly believe a positive attitude and God can change any situation around. But when I found out about the news I was grief stricken. Once again in the blink of an eye their lives have been completely turned upside down. And I don't know what I would do if this happened to me.

My good friend's friend's mother just got diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer. And is ready to throw in the towel without the ultimate diagnosis of the only doctor I know who counts. The Lord. I know in all situations we want to listen to the "experts". I choose to listen to the EXPERT who made those so called "experts" and believe in his predestined plan for my life. I hope everyone else does too. No matter what any doctor tells you, if its not your time to go, its not your time to go.

All this just made me think these last couple of days about who I rely on when things go wrong. Who I trust with my problems. Who comforts me in the midst of a crisis situation. Its so nice to have people around to rely on, but at times I forget that the main person I should be relying on is God. No matter what, he's the only person who can make situations change. Who can turn my sorrow to joy. Who can help me when an overwhelming situation just seem so light and airy.

At some point we have to take stock of all the things in our life. Cherish every moment of everyday, and stop complaining about certain things that aren't going to change right now. Remember things could be alot worse.

My prayer and love goes out to everyone in Colorado. Everyone struggling through a tough situation right now. Everyone dealing with a loss. I hope you find your way through. I hope you find the answers you need. But most of all I hope you find peace, a peace that surpasses understanding.

God be with you. God be with us all.

reality is better than my dreams

**I'm gonna have to go ahead a put a mushy alert here, I might go in a little bit**

Dr. Seuss said the above quote, he was talking about being in love. I guess I am too because currently  I am in love with my life. Right now my reality is better than anything I could have ever dreamed up.

Recently over the July4th week/weekend my entire immediate family was together. It was quite an experience, we laughed, we swam a little bit, we talked. I spent quality time with my brothers (my all time favorite thing to do in life) and we had those in depth conversations that only Doss's can have. We cried as we reminisced about the past, and those that couldn't be with us. And as I sat at my big brothers house looking out at everyone, I thought to myself, these are the times memories are made of. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I'll probably tell my children about it. I laughed about it to myself the other day, just thinking about how awesome it was to be surrounded by all that love.

we've been through alot but I see that God is bringing us full circle.

I see miracles happening in my friends lives. They don't see them yet, but I do. Isn't that one of those amazing things about faith? Just knowing everything is going to be ok, despite what you see in front of your face. Healing, self discovery, closer families, new jobs, financial prosperity. Its all coming your way.

I love my new place. I love being on my own. I am even loving the anxiety I'm feeling about possibly being broke lol. Being out here and doing this feels good, it was so necessary, and I am so happy.

Family is everything. Being a Doss is the best. I wouldn't change it for the world. Good, bad, ugly, its the stuff dreams are made of.

future or the past

So I get these quotes sent to me everyday. Some of them are good, some I can't really relate to. The other day I got one in my in box and it struck a chord with me. "Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future" -Deepak K. Chopra. This made me think alot; about how I do things, and whether the way I approach situations in my life dooms me to repeat mistakes in the past.

Case in point number one. Normally I express myself very openly to people. I will tell you how I feel about you. If I love you I'll say it, if I don't really like you I'll say it. If I have an opinion, I'll say it. Some of these things I like about myself, because i think its important to be honest. But I am starting to notice that it is better to wait to say certain things until the right time. And it might also be better to just sit back and observe and listen. My opinion is not always needed, sometimes all that's needed is a head nod, and the look, that lets you know what I'm thinking if you know me, and if you don't, then you don't.

Number two, I used to make decisions too quickly. This is something I don't do too much anymore, but in some situations I know I want to jump the gun. I want things to happen now. I forget how good it is when things happen right when they are supposed to. (remember not my time by God's time). Like finding the right career path, moving out or away,  or simply just deciding on what furniture to buy for my new place. lol. everything can be done with precision, there really is such a beauty in baby steps. especially in decision making. When I take the time to think things out, I land in a much better position then I have in my past life.

Number three, this temper of mine. I get irritated too easy. A product of my parents I truly am, but a work in progress I vow to be. I notice latley less things upset me than they used to, and I handle my anger much better. I just take a woo sah moment, or call my big bro who understands me to the core of my being. Or I think about it, "what are you really mad about Heather, will this change your life". Of course I still have my days. But if there is one thing I have learned its that I am going to love better than what I have seen, I refuse to argue and yell and scream, I am going to treat my friends with respect and dignity, and I am going to treat myself with the same. At some point you've just got to calm down, and find your happy. I keep finding mine, and am less and less temperamental.

Finally, I just want to be better. You know each year around this time (birthday time) I reflect on everything. This past year, my whole life. And one resounding trend is, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE PAST. I don't want anyone from the past coming back up, I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past, and I don't want to be the person I was in the past. So no I won't react the same way I used to, I won't relish in the same actions that got me results I was extremely unhappy with.

What I will do is continue to change, continue to try to be a better me. Continue to move forward. You can't forget your past, but you don't have to be a slave to it.....

MOVE FORWARD...OR YOU WILL ALWAYS STAND STILL....

For I know the plans I have for you

Latley I have been thinking about trusting someone else's plans.
So often in life we step out on our own, and try to make our own way. We decide that this is how we are going to have relationships (friendship or otherwise), this is how our lives are going to look, this is where we will be at 21, 25, 30, 35, and what not. So often I forget the fact that my plans are not the real plan.

friends come and go for a reason. I lost one of my best friends a few weeks ago, not to death, but it feels like it. and it hit me in a way that letting go of a friend hasn't hit me in a long time. usually people's seasons are up, I never wanted this person's season to end. And I know it will never be the same, we will never speak again, never have a relationship again, and its sad. But thats the way the cookie crumbles and like I said its not my plan.

men, constantly come and go. and despite my best efforts I just can't seem to get that one key thing that I want. Someone to actually back up with words with action. I don't know why it is so hard in this day in age to like someone and act like it. I'm not sure why everything falls in my hands. Its rough. It makes me feel unwanted, undesired, and it makes it very hard to believe when someone says they like you. Because if you do, wouldn't you act like it? Wouldn't you ask to see me, call me, so forth and so on? I dunno this is an area that I am two steps away from giving up on for many more years. I'm tired of being the "one that got away" but when you get me again, you don't put in any effort. Once again though I am starting to see perhaps this isn't part of the plan either.

Even what I want to do with my life has changed over time. All I can say for sure is that I want to get in the trenches with the people. I want to be involved with children in some form. I have to make a difference. I have to come home everyday and feel like I truly changed or inspired one person. just one.

The point of all of this is to say, I have heard it said often "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". And I am noticing the reality of this statement. Not so much that God is laughing, but the fact that things don't seem to work when you try to forge your own way. I mean he'll let you go off on your own its your choice, but do you notice how you just don't seem satisfied? I feel like that alot. Happy, but still unsatisfied inside. And I know its because I am trying to forge by own way instead of following whatever way is already laid out for me. I can't see it, half the time I don't know what way I should be going. But I know God's plans for me have to be better than whatever I have planned for myself.

hopefully things in every area will start falling into place. this is not a pity party. I have great friends, I will have my master's degree in one month, and I am moving out of my "vacation" at my parents for good and excited. there are some male prospects, but I'm not expecting much.

For now I am leaning on this:

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

*its literally all I've got*

pieces....

Its been 2 months since I have written a blog. But I haven't stopped writing. I just had to step back. Had to take a break from opening up. I couldn't even hear myself. Here's the latest....just a poem/writing that I wrote recently....
*I swear one day I am going to get this right. But I am not going to stop being me, honest, open, expectant, hopeful. But I will be more cautious, I have to protect myself from this pain*



I wish I could express myself to you
Wish when I spoke you heard me with your heart and understood me.
But I feel lost in this wilderness of a situation.
I speak and I'm not heard. My reactions are mistaken for something else.
Crazy, inside my head.  I feel like I'm reliving every single relationship I've
ever had before, right here with you.

Truth be told. I get it. You're not into me, or at least not as much as you say.
If you were no excuse would keep you from being with me. You wouldn't be so
quick to call me your friend after 6 months of what I thought was seeing me, and
you wouldn't be so carefree with the idea of me meeting someone else, and moving
on.

You'd understand the hurt and confusion I feel. You'd work to make me feel
valued. You'd see your hypocrisy. How much you want my attention but when I ask
for the same, you tell me it goes both ways.

I'm lost out here, in this sea all alone. Begging for you to notice me. For you
to try. For you to want this, to want me. And I'm trying to walk away, to be
strong, to stand up, to speak out, but you don't like that. You want me on your
terms and your time. And I have no say.

A prisoner, in love. But you don't love me. And I'm not sure what you're holding
on to.

I'm not who you want. So would you let me go heal the wounds of another broken
heart? Let me go figure out how I got back to the same place again? And then let
me figure out how to be alone.

But really, I've been alone this whole time.
Dammit, not again...

lesson learned

I think superstar and I decided to stop seeing each other last night. Well really he decided, at some point in the conversation I found it hard to speak. (Bear with me I'm crying while I write this).

The consensus is that he's just too busy to devote his time into a relationship (something I tried to tell him in December, but he wasn't having it), and this problem always comes up (not spending enough time), and he fears it will only get worse.

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes. Its been a while since I've seen those. They say who you bring your new year in with is who you will spend the year with, this has never been true for me. And has been proven yet again.

I just had to get all of this out. He's not a bad guy, in fact I still think he's wonderful. Its just when you get your feelings hurt year after year, you have to wonder. "When is someone going to value me enough to make space in their life for me?". And that's what it comes down to no matter what people say. Because the right person will make you change your routine, or at least make a valiant effort. And I don't ask for much. I don't want all your time just some of it.

And I have to say I hope people understand now why I may have such a rough shell these days. This hurts, badly. Opening up to someone only to have things not work out how you had hoped. Ugh man we would've been so good together. But at the same time... I know I am not even being honest with myself about some things....

I wrote you something. I told you I'd give it to you eventually. But eventually is not going to come. So here you go.

Lesson learned: its ok to take your time, your feelings are valid. And guard your heart better like mom always says.

I'm really going to miss you....man.....

*watch God work, right Vanessa?*

what 2012 means for me....

2012 came quickly.
It seems like just yesterday I was in my friends apartment ushering in 2011, crazy, we aren't even friends anymore.

2011 definitely proved to be a crazy year for me. As I said in one of my final 2011 statuses on facebook. I watched people walk out of my life, that I never thought I would see leave. I also saw people come in, that I don't want to let go of. My lasting friendships have only gotten deeper, and I love my family with a deeper love then I knew possible.

I also love myself more than I thought was possible. And I continue to grow in this love everyday, because I continue to learn not only more about myself, but more about my creator. This of course is vital in self love, to know the one who made you.

We look forward to every new year, making resolutions, promising that this year will be better than the last, but for most of us few things ever change. I don't make resolutions anymore. Every few months I make myself promises, and I keep them. I start new years for myself all the time, not just at the start of a new calendar year, and this keeps things fresh.

People say the world will end this year. I laugh, people say that every year. I still remember Y2K. we weren't supposed to make it past 2000! But we're still here. And I'd rather not predict when the world is going to end, instead I'd like to live my life as if it were my last anyway. Because frankly, any day could be my last, my next second of breath is not promised.

But something inside me tells me this year is going to be different. It's going to mark some monumental changes in my life. First and foremost, I am going to meet Stella (my niece, my first ever!) in about 3 weeks. This is the best way to bring in a new year, with new life. Second, I will be getting my Master's degree in June (and never going to school again, lol). Third I will hopefully be moving into a career where I can affect lives on a grander scale.  Fourth, I'll be ending my "vacation" at my parents house and leaving for good. I plan to be more fiscally responsible than I have every been, to finally publish this poetry book, to volunteer, to hit the gym, to be active with my body, heart, and mind.

These are some big accomplishments, and some amazing things to look forward to. I might be a little bit of a late bloomer in some departments, but I move at my pace, and so far this pace has been securing blessings. Finally, I am going to be courageous enough to open myself up to someone this year. I think I finally found someone who compliments me, and opens my mind up to so many new ideas, and ways of thinking, and ways of being. I could list a million reasons as to why I am feeling the way I am feeling, but simply stated, "when you find something wonderful, you do what you can to hold on". I'm not letting go. I'm simply moving forward with hope in my heart, and trust in my ability to be resilient, should things not end up how I plan. As you so often say, "we don't know whats going to happen in the future" right?

I'm excited about 2012. Excited for a new grind in life. Excited for what God has in store for me. I'm also excited to see who stays and who gos.  2012 for me is a breath of fresh air...

What's 2012 for you?