everyone is fighting their own battle

I said that to a friend the other day. she is fighting an internal battle. though i have no real idea what is going on, she only gives me bits and pieces, i know she is fighting a battle. it seems she has no one to turn to, and i myself have run out of words.

after i said that to her. i got to thinking about the battles that we all face everday. internal, external, spiritual. and it makes me think of the saying, "be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" i don't remember who said that though. but its something we should all think about.

you know, right now, there are so many people going through hard times. i mean people are going throught things you wouldn't believe. sometimes i even have to check myself, because while my problems seem big to me, in the grand scheme of things my problems are small. and the problems other people have, are problems i don't know if i could even begin to handle. alot of people have no one to turn to.

i wonder how you get through your problems without god. I mean how do you continue to rely on people, when people are so unrealiable? i only know a few people i can trust, and even then, i can't trust them to be there for me ALL the time. its impossible for them to be able to. and they don't have the power to fix all the things that need fixing. i think back to times in my life where i was in that wandering stage, where i was doing my thing, rebelling against what i knew to be true, and trying to find my own way, instead of doing what i knew was right, and i remember that when bad times came i relied so much on people and i also had a constant feeling of emptiness.

those times are gone. that empty feeling is gone, thank god. and while i am still no where near where i want to be spiritually or in life, i am so glad i am not where i used to be. and i am also glad to be right where i am, and glad to have the people i do have around. I'm glad to have a god i can turn to constantly, who continually shows me that he is in control and he cares for me, and is taking care of me. i am glad for friends and family that will pray for me and encourage me, and love me, and give me good sound advice, and understand me on a level most people can't see to...

as god continues to create a new heart in me, and make these changes, i hope he does the same for all of you..
because everyone is fighting their own battle...and in times like these, i don't even know how you begin to get through even one minute, let alone one hour, let alone one day, without believing in something, in someone, without some type of faith....that would be hard...
in fact that would be impossible...
get into him, and watch him get into you....
good luck :)

this feeling

my best friend had a baby today
her first child, she's engaged too...
and i am 3,000 miles away

there's a boy, well i should say man cause he's not a boy
who actually has his heart in exactly the right place it should be, god,
like he'd actually be good for me,
but i am 3,000 miles away

my friend, who i call my cousin has a new boyfriend
he just moved in with her
she's in love
this could be the one
and i am 3,000 miles away

all around me people are celebrating these milestones, or people i would love to be with (should be with) are lingering, and here i am so far away. you know i love being here with my family, i love being so close to them. i wouldn't give that up for the world. latley when i have been spending time with my parents i have been almost close to tears thinking to myself, when they are gone, these are the times i will remember most. we are making memories that will last a lifetime just by doing nothing together.
but at the same time i wish all my people were right here with me, instead of 3,000 miles away.
today when i called my lil boo boo (my affectionate nick name for my best friend) i cried on the phone because she was a mother, and i almost couldn't stop crying as i walked back to my desk, because i don't know when i will have enough money to get back home to see this beautiful child, and i wish i didn't have to miss out on any of it. wish i wasn't so far away. wish i was eating dinner each week with my old friends, and watching their love blossom, and watching them start families, and getting to really really be auntie heather, best friend heather, cousin heather... or whatever else they call me...
i get this feeling sometimes...
being 3,000 miles away sucks.. i have yet to find people here that make me truly feel at home...even though this is home, and my family is here... my heart is still 3,000 miles away...and i miss it so much sometimes...
this feeling...mmmmm i hate feeling left behind....

relationships #1

I love when people say they are looking for something serious.They want to be with a good woman, someone that doesn’t play games, someone they can rely on and so forthBut they make absolutley no effort…Looking for something serious, but they’re not even serious about getting there.And you say you like me? Haha no sir I think not!

chivalry

Chivalry is dead and I don’t chase dudes. You know I’ve been single for 3 1/2 years and not saying I’m ready to have a boyfriend this minute, but itd be nice to be shown some interest.I just feel like I have to do everything. Invite them to do something, talk to them, its like I’m in pursuit and they just sit back and I’m left sitting here thinking is this person even digging me?I mean dang. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone, or held hands, or someone opened the car door for me, or gently led me through a crowded room with their hand on the small of my back..Maybe I’m too old fashionedBut would it kill someone to pursue me just a little?I posted on my facebook last week is chivalry dead? And of course all my guy friends were like girls don’t want nice guys they want douche bags and ass holes and bla bla blaWell I know exactly what I want and I don’t feel I’ve pursued a douche bag or asshole in quite some time.. So what’s up..??Chivalry? Chivalrous dudes, where are you?

friendship

I’ve come to the conclusion friendship definently means different things to different people.Like on holidays people I consider close to me, either get a phone call or a personal text in which I actually engage in conversation. Not the same generic text I send to my acquaintances. And sometimes I call to check on my friends, especially those I consider my best friends.Latley I’ve noticed I have to change my expectations for friends. Like I can’t assume that I mean enough that my “best friends” will call me on christmas or often for that matter….Its sad when things change..you move away, get your life rolling back on track and suddenly you don’t really need me much anymore. “Merry christmas to you and your family” is what I get from you…And I start to question how close we really are…When I’m gone will these be th times you wished you had done things a little different? Who knows…I just know I just won’t expect anything from these “friendships” anymore. Text me when you can, we’ll keep it as impersonal as possible. No worries. I guess this is what friendship has come to

saturday

I love being with you
ReallyI just love spending time with youI’ve never felt more interesting like wow someone I actually hold in high esteem wants to sit and spend an evening having conversation with me….I’m lucky we’re friendsI hope we don’t go through another long not talking phaseI missed youAnd I’m just getting to all the good parts:)

.....

I used to miss you every day

NowI barely miss you at all

hmmmm

Sometimes I feel behind the curve. Like I know we all move at a different pace but sometimes I think I came to a standstill back at 23. I was talking to this kid at work today he’s 25 and has been to 15 different countries and was telling me how awesome it is and he asked me if someone gave me a plane ticket today where would I go.. I said England.But really I have no idea. I guess I never put traveling in the scope of my dreams. I never felt I could afford it. But I wish I had. I love history and there are so many places I would love to see and learn about….Maybe I should make some new dreams…cause these baby ones aren’t cutting it! Dream bigger!!!

J

Its been a while since I last saw youYou hold the titleYou’re the only person in this worldWho makes me nervousI forgot how much I enjoyBeing in your spaceYour laughYour smileJust simply having a conversationAnd as we spent hours and hours catching upMy nerves calmed downI realized for the first timeIn 5 yearsthat you have the most beautiful brown eyesAnd they sparkle in the lightA woman could get lost in those….
~hrd~

broken 9-10-10

I woke up the other day

And felt broken
See I made a foolish decision

I stayed in love for too long

With someone who never felt

Anything for me

And I woke up remembering

Finding his secret

And realizingIt had happened again

I let someone in

That someone betrayed me

And I laid that night

Broken

Shattered in pieces

Reliving the pain

I was sure he wouldn’t cause

I woke up a year and a half later

Still brokenI remember this feeling I wanted so badly to forget

And I’m tiredOf being broken

Over lookedLet down

By people I love so deep
His feelings never even

Scratched the surface

I believed a dream that

Would never come true

I woke up the other day

And realized I am still broken
~hrd~

crazy

To know you could be so perfect with someone and to know they won’t change their mind about you…
To hear “I think there’s something wrong with me, you’re everything I want, I just don’t feel it”
To realize that the people I have the most intense feelings for, don’t ever seem to feel the same back for meAnd I’m just left here going crazy inside my headTrying to understandWhen ill start making better decisions…
~hrd~

my world 10-3

You get so wrapped up in your own world, you forget to play your part in mine…
~hrd~

S

Desperate for some kind of affection, hold me for just a minute, provide me some protection.I know you’ll never love me, but I want to be in your arms. I know you’ll never miss me, but I want to remember you always. I know you’ll never want me, but I want another chance. I’m desperate for some kind of affection, but I only want it from you….
~hrd~

stomped

Stomped
You get stomped on so much that you forget you’re amazing. You’re this kind, thoughtful, loving, honest, intelligent, good woman.
And yet every time something doesn’t work out you think its because of your imperfections
Stomped on so much that you forgot your own worth
~hrd~

nikki giovanni

**so we all know i read alot, as i was reading a book recently, i came across this powerful quote that made me think. and also made me reevaluate the way i look at my situations. check it.**“Are you lonely sometimes? This is good, gives you time to think. Do you feel misunderstood? Wonderful, gives you are reason to pursue definitions. Do you feel unloved? Great, gives you a reason to sympathize with other endagered species. Makes you know you have to reach out, reach up, reach a little further. Reach again and grab hold of yourself” -Nikki Giovanni

good bye...

good bye my almost lover

good bye my hopeless dream….