Truth Moment

**I first want to preface this post by saying. This is real life. Like my real thoughts and feelings. I'm fine. I'm in a good space. But that doesn't mean I don't still struggle with things. The point is for me to let it out, breathe, and show anyone else that's reading that may be going through something similar (getting life right with God, but still struggling with certain areas), that you're not alone. We're human. And that's OK**

I've been in a space all my own the past few weeks. It's not a bad space but a well needed space. My best friend and I are doing a devotional together on trusting God. I'm diving into a series by Joyce Meyer called "Battlefield of the Mind". And I'm realizing, though I've said it many times, my life is so much better with you in it.

I've been more at peace about most things. I'm happier throughout my day. I am able to look at things with  a clear head and heart. I'm giving sound advice. I'm worshiping in a way I have never worshiped. And I want more of you. So I'm making a point to enter in.

But lets get real. There is still this one lingering area. I just cant get rid of. It's that feeling, when you know certain things were for the best. But you are still hurt by them. And me being the person I am, and liking to be understood, I am still feeling misunderstood. And still lacking the apology I feel I deserve. And thus, I'm cool, but deep down I know I am harboring some bitterness, and it bothers me so much, because I am not wanting to be that person. I also know some of that bitterness is because of the repair I've had to do, since...... Too real for you?

I've been listening to India Arie, (*side note, I didn't like the new album at first, but the more I listen to it the more I love it and I suggest you cop it, TODAY), and she has this song "soulbird rise". I love the premise of the song; let that bird inside your soul out, let it soar, let it be evident to the world. I got that, I'm feeling it, lol. But there was a line in the song, that stood out to me, and links back to this bitter feeling that I am having. She says "I will no longer be defined by, what someone else believes that I am. And now that I have dropped the weight. I am light as a feather. Its time to elevate".

People often say that no one can make you feel a certain way. That what you feel, essentially, is an expression of what you truly believe deep down about yourself. I don't believe that. I believe that words have the power to cut us down. I believe if you're told enough times something is wrong with you, you will start to believe that. And I believe too often we don't understand the power our words have on other people. I'm guilty of this too.

I have been combating this for months. And sometimes it feels like a lifetime. That feeling of inadequacy. That feeling that I'm just not quite good enough. Literally still slightly being defined by who you think I am. Sometimes those thoughts will still creep back in and I remember the things you spoke to me, and I have to remind myself that that is not really who I am. (I literally have a board up in my room to remind me who I truly am)

I know you'll never understand, and you'll never say sorry for the situation. But I am really making a conscience effort to stop being bitter towards you, and to trust God to heal this aching,  and put back together these broken pieces.  So I can "elevate".

**Truth moment, be careful what you say to people. The power of life and death are in the tongue**

My July 2nd thoughts

I wrote this today....


You came back today
it was the first time I'd seen you in 5 days

and it was the first time in 3 weeks
that my heart didn't jump
frightened
scared
worried
of what may happen today

I guess I've been
debating over this
praying
trying to figure it out

the time we spent
was brief
but your impact
was grim

today I saw you for who you are
not who I think you could be

But better yet
today I see myself for who I am
and I understand what I can
and cannot accept.
What I will and will not allow.

and its ok that you hurt me
its even ok that you choose not to acknowledge me
my mistake, I got this close to letting you in

lesson learned, again.
check mate

and I move on
better than yesterday.

my first 30 years

I am approaching the eve of my first 30 years on this earth. I am surprised to say how quickly it went by, and how different it is than i thought it would be when i was much younger.

Every day, week, month, year; I am continuing to learn more about myself, other people, and most importantly who I want to be, and who I am. And I am comfortable with that. It feels so good.

But this weekend I sat down and thought about what I wanted to write about these last 30 years. Then I went to church today and the sermon was about forgiveness. True forgiveness.  Forgiving other people and forgiving yourself. For the past 6 years I have been struggling with alot. I like to think its just growing pains. As I continue to learn who I am, and go through tough situations, its finally taking its toll on me. But today I realized, I'm actually hanging on to alot. And while my life is pretty good, it could be so much better if I was truly letting go. When someone hurts me in the present, I am immediately taken back to all the past experiences that resemble this present one. And the pain is magnified. I remember the things people have said that have torn me apart, its like they are ingrained in my mind. I still haven't let go of some things that have been done to me, and some things that I have done to other people.

So let me lay it out here and now. And for the next 6 months of this year I am going to keep praying about this and I believe I will watch my life change, for the better.

*I forgive you for what happened when I was 8. and I'm going to stop talking about this forever.
*I forgive you for what happened when I was 23 years old, and I forgive myself. And I'm going to let go of every negative thought I have about this situation and how it will impact my future.
*I forgive you for cheating on me, putting your hands on me, and the words you spoke to me.
*I forgive you for lying to me when I was 17.
*I forgive you for  being mean and cold when I hurt you, even though I deserved it. I apologize again for not being mature enough to love you right. And I forgive myself once and for all, and let go of my regrets about our relationship. I release myself for better love.
* I forgive you for how you treated me when we were together, but most of all I forgive myself for making a poor choice to believe the things you said about me.
*I forgive all my "friends" who have hurt me, or decided to make a choice to cut me out of their life, because I no longer fit there, or your life is very busy. It hurts, but I get it.
I hope everyone I've hurt can forgive me as well. I'm sorry for offending you, or hurting you. And its important that you understand for your sake, that you need to let whatever I've done to you go.

If you truly know me, you know each and every person I am talking about. Don't ask, I'm not going to name them outright. But forgiveness will be the key to my survival and renewal.

And as I move onto my 30th year I vow to let go, and believe that there is better for me in love, in career, in friendship, and in myself. I've seen the hints of it, but I know it all begins with me. I will keep taking the strides I have been, keep trying my best to make good choices to propel myself into a prosperous future. I do not want to be dormant, ever. And I don't want to be lame, I'm too old, and way too cool for that ;).

I can't wait to celebrate another year of life on this earth. Thank you God for every opportunity. For every lesson. For every person in my life, and every person who has left my life. For every blessing. As well Thank you for everything that is coming my way. I trust you with my present and my future. And everything that I am and who I will be is because of you.

Happy Birthday to me! *almost*

Perception is Reality

It's been a good month and a half for me. About 6 weeks ago (I can't even believe its been that long) I made a difficult decision to walk away from someone I thought I loved very deeply. This in turn has made that person feel like I can't stick with something, I gave up on us,so forth and so on. And has made me feel as though I have never been more misunderstood.

The reality is, I can't pin point when things started to go wrong. All I know is that one day I was comfortable and the next I was not, and that feeling continued for several months. Now, I have a habit of making myself uncomfortable in relationships, in order to make the other person comfortable. This is something I have vowed after this experience that I will never do again. I can't take the anxiety, the questioning of myself, even, I hate to admit, the slight depression.

I like to think that I know who I am. I like to think that I am pretty confident. But I also like to think that I am humble enough to realize the things that I need to work on. I don't always need a push in the right direction (asked for or not asked for). I have always been a person with the ability to look inside, and evaluate what I am doing.

Ok so enough with the back story rambling.

Towards the end there, me and this young man, seemed to have worked out our problems. But what we worked out was only the surface level, not what was below. After I expressed everything that I felt, all of my pain and feelings, things seemed to be changing, and I was feeling comfortable being me. Then we got into a stupid fight (which was as usual "of my provoking") and what ensued after the fight is what led to my decision.

It was the fact that when I apologized, he was honest with me, which I appreciate, but he questioned everything about us being together just from this one argument that was so childish. It was the fact that I again alone had come to make amends, and that again our bickering was on my shoulders. It was the fact that he proceeded to tell me what else I had done since the 3 weeks we'd been back together that had upset him. All of which I had been oblivious to.

I felt my heart break. Literally. Like an ant in the sun under a microscope, I was put in display, and  again everything he didn't like at that moment had been pointed out to me. I crumbled under the weight.
 I took time to think about it. I poured over the situation, cried for a few days, prayed. And realized that I was probably always going to do something that was not to this man's liking. That no matter how much he loves me, he doesn't like me. Jill Scott's lyrics would never ring true here, "you love me, you like me". That finally I had to make a decision that would make me comfortable, it had nothing to do with being able to stick with something through good and bad, but everything with being able to know when its time to call it quits.

And this still rings true. Even though we are broken up, I am still reminded of what is "wrong" about me, and the way I handle things, or react, or do things, or anything I do that is not "healthy for me" in his eyes. And it makes me feel so beneath him. I know they say no one can make you feel like less of yourself, but constant, (whether everyday, or every week) reminding of "how you could do that better" or why we're fighting and what the bigger picture is (our poor communication, my tone, something that always links back to me), will definitely take its toll on you.

Most times our conversations make me question myself. And wonder am I really that fucked up? Is there something really wrong with me? Do people really hate me? Is there that much about me that would make a relationship this hard? There are two people here right???

I know I haven't hallucinated the details of this relationship. He has a different idea on the details however. And our perceptions are our realities. But to the core, we are two completely different people, and that we agree on. We seem not to be able to understand each other. And accept each other?

I thought I accepted him. But it was pointed out to me today (by guess who) that I actually never have.

one day these things will line up for both of us.
But this, is not that time.

smh