Last night I started a devotional on faith. Trusting God has been the biggest challenge of my life.
I am always encouraging my friends to trust him, my family to trust him, and so forth. But let’s be real, it is really hard to trust someone you don’t see or verbally talk to. Having and holding onto faith is a challenge.
While I have been going through this rough patch and pulling myself back together, the question of trust has been looming over my head. The funny thing is I have trusted God quite minimally during this time, and have, instead, chosen to lean more on my own understanding of the situation. I’ve been coping in the ways that are natural to me. Though, I feel an ache inside I know needs spiritual healing.
For the first night of the devotional we read Hebrews 11 and John 14. Hebrews 11 is a long list of the people who had faith in God over time and the things that ended up happening in their lives. I read it out loud to myself, and then after the devotional, I laid down to sleep and I prayed. I prayed that God would continue to walk me through the things that need to change in me, that I would become the person he would have me to be without fear and I thanked him for being faithful even when I didn’t acknowledge it, but more importantly when I didn’t trust that he would get me through.
On my ride to work this morning, his faithfulness was so clear to me. Even when I didn’t necessarily trust that he would be there, he was there, constantly working in the background for my good. My job allowed me to transfer immediately, I was removed from a relationship that I would’ve stayed in although emotionally it was killing me, I was able to be promoted within a month of moving back, I received two raises, I have a place to lay my head, I am paying off my debt, I am bombarded on a daily basis by all these friends and family members who love me and actually want to spend time with me. It’s just blessing after blessing, even though I have been nursing a severely broken heart. I have even been praying for him, and in my prayers for him, I feel myself forgiving.
I can say without a doubt that God’s plans always work out for good. Even when I go my own way, and he lets me, he brings me right back to him with grace and mercy, and shows me why that wasn’t a good look for me. Did this situation hurt me, yes. Did it break me, no. Will I ever be the same, no. And all of that is for my good. I have learned so much from that relationship, so much about myself, so much about others, so much about the things I cannot have or allow in my life. And I have been able to see so much more clearly since being home. Some people I really thought were down for me weren’t, and other relationships have blossomed. When I say I am surrounded by love, I mean that literally. I have never felt more popular, accepted, encouraged, or wanted in all my life. Especially during a time where my need to feel that was desperate, but I wouldn’t acknowledge that either, because I was scared of love. truth be told I still am.
I have no choice but to trust him. It almost feels like my duty. He has never let me down. He is always working on my behalf. He is always there for me. Instead of worrying constantly about what tomorrow is going to look like I am going to work daily on trusting that his plans are still better than mine. That when it comes down to it, what he has for me is better than anything I dreamed up in my head. I just have to lay down my need to want to know and do it all myself, and trust in the person who knitted me together. Every single night I lay it all at his feet. And I will continue to until it becomes a habit to no longer carry any of this on my own.
“For every mountain, you brought me over”
It’s a constant battle, and the most important.
