It's so loud inside my head

All the words I never said…

I never thought it would come to this. I actually thought this was it for me, that I had found the one. And I am feeling as though I have found myself naive again. Like I should’ve known better, after everything I’ve been through I shouldn’t have allowed myself to hope this much. This is a different heartbreak for me. A situation I have never been in, because this time I can’t run away, I don’t really have my space, I share my home with you and I still feel something. I am embarrassed to tell people we broke up, I am disappointed that I couldn’t make it work, I am defeated that something I did caused you to be so fed up with me, and my heart, my poor heart, I can’t explain how it feels. I still just want to wrap you up in a hug, and hear you say you changed your mind, and we are going to be ok. But I know that is not reality.

               It’s so crazy to go from loving someone, to barely even saying hello and goodbye when leaving the house. A piece of me dies every time I come in the door, as I look around at this life we tried to make together, and realize I have to pack up and move on. Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. You have been my world for a year and a half, and now what? I’m so tired of moving on. I’m so tired of eventually not being enough. I’m so tired of feeling this way.

While I try to see the good in the situation, my heart is just not cooperating. It refuses to admit what hurt me, just like I mostly refuse to speak about it out loud; instead I am having dreams replaying every good time like a movie. I am walking through parts of the house and remembering every laugh and smile, every hug and kiss. It’s something no one can hold my hand through. No one can talk me through. It just is what it is. I’ll be ok, right?

I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I’m so sorry this wasn’t what you thought it would be. If your heart is broken I am so sorry. I wouldn’t want you to feel this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you wanted no matter how I tried. I’m sorry you weren’t happy. I’m sorry I can’t stop crying. I’m sorry that I sound so pitiful. It’s just, I love you.

And I will continue to pray for you, just like I have been fervently praying for me. No matter what has happened between us, I still believe you deserve great love. I still think you are a wonderful person. I’ll miss you, and I will miss us. I am thankful for the experience and what I have been able to learn.

Time to pick up all these pieces again, and figure it out.

And attitude of gratitude

Today I was reading an excerpt online from a book called Conversation with God by Neal Donald Walsch. I haven’t decided whether I will buy this book or not but lately I am on this quest for information for the law of attraction. I want to change the space I operate in, in my mind and heart. While reading this excerpt, something really hit home with me. Neal Donald Walsch presents this question to the Lord “Does that mean I can ask for anything I want? Are you saying that praying for something actually pushes it away from us?”. Here was the Lord’s answer, make sure to let this sink in for a moment before you continue;

“This is a question which has been asked through the ages- and has been answered whenever it has been asked. Yet you have not heard the answer, or will not believe it. The question is answered again, in today’s terms, and today’s language, thusly: You will not have that for which you ask, nor can you have anything you want. This is because your very request is a statement of lack, and your saying you want a thing only works to produce that precise experience- wanting- in your reality. The correct prayer is therefore never a prayer of supplication, but a prayer of gratitude. When you thank God in advance for that which you choose to experience in your reality, you, in effect, acknowledge that it is there…in effect. Thankfulness is thus the most powerful statement to God; an affirmation that even before you ask, I have answered. Therefore never supplicate. Appreciate”

Now, I don’t know about you but appreciating what I have before I have it is the hardest thing ever. Controlling my thoughts towards the positive outcome is equally challenging. Finally, I realized why this is hard for me; most times I do not feel I deserve that which I ask for. Like I am making or have made too many mistakes in my life to be worthy of receiving what I ask for in prayer. (that was rough to type out loud). Now that has to be the devil, right? Leading me to believe that somehow I have made myself unworthy of the unconditional love, provisions, and blessing God has made readily available to me. Then I try to talk myself out of that thought, remembering that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14), that his plans for me are great (Jer. 29:11), and he literally stitched me together (Psalms 139:13). I still struggle with all this miraculousness. I know my worth, I know how special I am, I know what makes me stand out, I know what God has put in me, but I do not always believe it to be true. Instead I choose to believe my feelings about whatever current situation I am in. I look for the approval of others instead of tuning into my approval of myself.

I feel like whenever I talk about this it seems so easy. But I am alone with my thoughts, and it’s hard. It gets hard to believe in yourself sometimes. It is hard to believe that I am destined for greatness, and worthy of all things, that the desires of my heart will surely be granted to me.

For the rest of September and the month of October I choose God. I choose to pray with gratitude for what I hope to have in my life. I choose to accept that I deserve the best life has to offer. I choose to continue to think positively about that which I want, and not let what happens in the midst of that deter my thoughts. I choose to live in each and every moment. I choose to see every peril as a blessing, and every experience as a lesson. I choose to believe that all things work together for my good. Period.

I choose the good life. 😊

Hope

Future Hopes…

• That God speaks an important message to everyone I know in a way they can hear and understand
• Every member of my family was financially well off and living life comfortably
• All my friends and family members found love in the ways that have always been missing in their lives
• That my children know my family in ways I didn’t know mine
• That my Grandma is able to see me get married
• That Stella and Sam know themselves so well, that they rise above any pettiness that comes in their teen years.
• That Will is still happy to see me every day and proud that I am his
• That our nation will do what is right on all levels
• That we would stop killing each other
• That I didn’t have to worry about race, gender, or sexual preference.
• That I was more in tune with me
• That everyone had a job that didn’t feel like work
• That I could’ve met Maya Angelou
• That peace was an international resolution
• That children were safe
• That I could live up to my parents dream in a timely manner, so they can witness it
• That I can stand up and change something in the world

can you stand the rain

Today was not what I expected.
And I began to reflect on my past.
you know in all my past relationships, a fight meant the end. So now every time I fight with a significant other, I fear the end. The fight is never just a fight with an escalation and de-escalation, it becomes a time for my insecurities, anxiety and fears To flourish beyond belief. I remember everything i've done and try to think how I can do them differently.
so I thought of new edition, such simple words but not so much can you stand the rain, but can I.
am I able to endure, am I able to trust enough in what we have and who I am to you that I know a fight is not our demise?

Working on it. Scares me to death to think I may lose someone who means so much.