FAITH?

Last night I started a devotional on faith. Trusting God has been the biggest challenge of my life.

I am always encouraging my friends to trust him, my family to trust him, and so forth. But let’s be real, it is really hard to trust someone you don’t see or verbally talk to. Having and holding onto faith is a challenge.

While I have been going through this rough patch and pulling myself back together, the question of trust has been looming over my head. The funny thing is I have trusted God quite minimally during this time, and have, instead, chosen to lean more on my own understanding of the situation. I’ve been coping in the ways that are natural to me. Though, I feel an ache inside I know needs spiritual healing.

For the first night of the devotional we read Hebrews 11 and John 14. Hebrews 11 is a long list of the people who had faith in God over time and the things that ended up happening in their lives. I read it out loud to myself, and then after the devotional, I laid down to sleep and I prayed. I prayed that God would continue to walk me through the things that need to change in me, that I would become the person he would have me to be without fear and I thanked him for being faithful even when I didn’t acknowledge it, but more importantly when I didn’t trust that he would get me through.

On my ride to work this morning, his faithfulness was so clear to me. Even when I didn’t necessarily trust that he would be there, he was there, constantly working in the background for my good. My job allowed me to transfer immediately, I was removed from a relationship that I would’ve stayed in although emotionally it was killing me, I was able to be promoted within a month of moving back, I received two raises, I have a place to lay my head, I am paying off my debt, I am bombarded on a daily basis by all these friends and family members who love me and actually want to spend time with me. It’s just blessing after blessing, even though I have been nursing a severely broken heart. I have even been praying for him, and in my prayers for him, I feel myself forgiving.

I can say without a doubt that God’s plans always work out for good. Even when I go my own way, and he lets me, he brings me right back to him with grace and mercy, and shows me why that wasn’t a good look for me. Did this situation hurt me, yes. Did it break me, no. Will I ever be the same, no. And all of that is for my good. I have learned so much from that relationship, so much about myself, so much about others, so much about the things I cannot have or allow in my life. And I have been able to see so much more clearly since being home. Some people I really thought were down for me weren’t, and other relationships have blossomed. When I say I am surrounded by love, I mean that literally. I have never felt more popular, accepted, encouraged, or wanted in all my life. Especially during a time where my need to feel that was desperate, but I wouldn’t acknowledge that either, because I was scared of love. truth be told I still am.

I have no choice but to trust him. It almost feels like my duty. He has never let me down. He is always working on my behalf. He is always there for me. Instead of worrying constantly about what tomorrow is going to look like I am going to work daily on trusting that his plans are still better than mine. That when it comes down to it, what he has for me is better than anything I dreamed up in my head. I just have to lay down my need to want to know and do it all myself, and trust in the person who knitted me together. Every single night I lay it all at his feet. And I will continue to until it becomes a habit to no longer carry any of this on my own.

“For every mountain, you brought me over”

It’s a constant battle, and the most important.

Raw**

**It's my truth**

I’ve been avoiding this conversation with myself. Like somehow by doing so I will rip open my heart. But it’s still intact and everything I feel is real. Painfully real.

I met a guy and the moment he walked in I thought he was it. I was intrigued by his intelligence, confidence, and personality. He was so good looking, he smelled like heaven, I might have been sprung. I drank a lot to try to quell my nerves. I didn’t want the first date to end. It was probably the best date I have ever been on. Things progressed from there and we ended up being together all the time. I remember how special I felt being with him. It was always just the two of us, and for a change I really liked that. No one was involved in our relationship but us. And the time we spent together was true quality one on one time. Sure we had a few little arguments, but they were rare, and in my head this was the best relationship I had ever had.

When he moved away I was sad but hopeful. I had never been in a long distance relationship that worked but I wanted this badly, so I gave it everything I had. Truth be told, I gave it everything I had from the beginning. I was like a whole new me. I was much more positive; it felt good to just give to someone, it felt good to share pieces of my life with someone, it felt good to have them share with me. When we decided I would move there, it was unexplainable. I was excited, I was happy, I was hopeful, I was beyond ready. I truly thought it was just the next step to the next step. I would break my biggest rule, not to live with someone before we got married, and I would be a grown up living with the love of my life.

Things were amazing at first, but after a while I guess things changed. Two people that used to be so happy to see each other when they got home, became two people who were not getting what they wanted or needed from the situation. But I refused to give up. I would compromise, I would change, I would be what he wanted, because he was what I wanted, right? I would ignore every sign that lay before me and make it work. When he finalized our ending, I almost couldn’t take it. I was sick to my stomach for weeks, I couldn’t eat, I cried every night, I chain smoked my days away, I kept wishing I would wake up. I felt like someone I loved deeply had died. I didn’t understand how this didn’t work out. I didn’t understand how someone could tell me they loved me but stop speaking to me after they ended things, and live in this house with me like we’re strangers. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t enough, why I just couldn’t get it together, why he wasn’t willing to give it more, or why I had given up so much just to end up back here.

But here wasn’t a place I had been before. Never before had I felt so empty. I had never given this much of every aspect of myself to another person. I had nothing to show for it but a lesson that I couldn’t grasp onto. I remember the embarrassment of telling my family and closest friends what happened. I remember the embarrassment of having to ask my managers if I could transfer back home. I remember trying to hide my constant crying at my desk and put on a happy face. I remember how walking back in that house every day made me feel. I remember it all like it just happened today.

Now I am surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for me, but I refuse to go into depth, because I can’t handle what it will bring out of me. I know what it will feel like in my heart, I know how swollen my eyes will be, I know that I will barely be able to make it through my own sentences.  I know how hard it will be for me to admit to someone that my favorite things were: the way he would run his fingers through my hair, the way he kissed me, the way he held my hand while driving, how he introduced me to people as “his lady”, the fact that he would pull me in closer in the morning when it was time for me to wake up, that he thought I was beautiful when I thought I looked horrible, that he made me feel, like, I was the only person in the entire world just by the way he looked at me, that he trusted me with his story and I felt special to be trusted. It will be hard for me to admit that I have never felt more comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, that he was my greatest love and at times my worst enemy. That he was my best friend. That I have never in my life known a love like that.

So yea, I got my feelings hurt. Yea I know he made a decision that was best for both of us, though most times I don’t want to admit that. Yea I know it wasn’t right that I shelled out all of my money, that I was always putting him first above myself, that I was always making sure to take care of him. It wasn’t right that he never once comforted me while I was crying, that he shut down when things were going on in his life, that he omitted important information from me, that he said hurtful things to me that I carried in my spirit, that when I was there I felt more alone than I ever have in my entire life, that he smoked too much and drank too much too, that he would spend money on himself first before spending it, if ever, on me, that he never asked me for my opinion or advice, that I was constantly reminded of what kind of girl he likes and what kind of girl I am, that I questioned him and his love for me more than once, that when we fought he would ignore me for a day or two, that I was always the first one making amends, that he rarely, if ever, apologized.

When I write it all out I sound crazy to have been in love with someone like that. But I was, shoot, I might still be. I’m sure you've felt the same. Wondering why you were so in love, and didn't see the signs. Eventually I know he will be a memory to me, nothing more. I just don’t want to hear anymore how good of a woman I am, how much of a favor he did me, how much better off I am, how lucky someone would be to be with me, I don’t want the advice unless I’ve requested it. Cause let’s be real, I’m smart enough to know what you’re telling me, but currently I am all in my feelings. Can you feel me? Right now I need to be taken care of. Right now I just need you to listen. I need you to hear the things I cannot put into words, and feel my heart. It’s beating a little different now.

I look forward to the day that I get myself back. But for now, you'll have to love me where I'm at.

#workinprogress

It's so loud inside my head

All the words I never said…

I never thought it would come to this. I actually thought this was it for me, that I had found the one. And I am feeling as though I have found myself naive again. Like I should’ve known better, after everything I’ve been through I shouldn’t have allowed myself to hope this much. This is a different heartbreak for me. A situation I have never been in, because this time I can’t run away, I don’t really have my space, I share my home with you and I still feel something. I am embarrassed to tell people we broke up, I am disappointed that I couldn’t make it work, I am defeated that something I did caused you to be so fed up with me, and my heart, my poor heart, I can’t explain how it feels. I still just want to wrap you up in a hug, and hear you say you changed your mind, and we are going to be ok. But I know that is not reality.

               It’s so crazy to go from loving someone, to barely even saying hello and goodbye when leaving the house. A piece of me dies every time I come in the door, as I look around at this life we tried to make together, and realize I have to pack up and move on. Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. You have been my world for a year and a half, and now what? I’m so tired of moving on. I’m so tired of eventually not being enough. I’m so tired of feeling this way.

While I try to see the good in the situation, my heart is just not cooperating. It refuses to admit what hurt me, just like I mostly refuse to speak about it out loud; instead I am having dreams replaying every good time like a movie. I am walking through parts of the house and remembering every laugh and smile, every hug and kiss. It’s something no one can hold my hand through. No one can talk me through. It just is what it is. I’ll be ok, right?

I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I’m so sorry this wasn’t what you thought it would be. If your heart is broken I am so sorry. I wouldn’t want you to feel this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you wanted no matter how I tried. I’m sorry you weren’t happy. I’m sorry I can’t stop crying. I’m sorry that I sound so pitiful. It’s just, I love you.

And I will continue to pray for you, just like I have been fervently praying for me. No matter what has happened between us, I still believe you deserve great love. I still think you are a wonderful person. I’ll miss you, and I will miss us. I am thankful for the experience and what I have been able to learn.

Time to pick up all these pieces again, and figure it out.

And attitude of gratitude

Today I was reading an excerpt online from a book called Conversation with God by Neal Donald Walsch. I haven’t decided whether I will buy this book or not but lately I am on this quest for information for the law of attraction. I want to change the space I operate in, in my mind and heart. While reading this excerpt, something really hit home with me. Neal Donald Walsch presents this question to the Lord “Does that mean I can ask for anything I want? Are you saying that praying for something actually pushes it away from us?”. Here was the Lord’s answer, make sure to let this sink in for a moment before you continue;

“This is a question which has been asked through the ages- and has been answered whenever it has been asked. Yet you have not heard the answer, or will not believe it. The question is answered again, in today’s terms, and today’s language, thusly: You will not have that for which you ask, nor can you have anything you want. This is because your very request is a statement of lack, and your saying you want a thing only works to produce that precise experience- wanting- in your reality. The correct prayer is therefore never a prayer of supplication, but a prayer of gratitude. When you thank God in advance for that which you choose to experience in your reality, you, in effect, acknowledge that it is there…in effect. Thankfulness is thus the most powerful statement to God; an affirmation that even before you ask, I have answered. Therefore never supplicate. Appreciate”

Now, I don’t know about you but appreciating what I have before I have it is the hardest thing ever. Controlling my thoughts towards the positive outcome is equally challenging. Finally, I realized why this is hard for me; most times I do not feel I deserve that which I ask for. Like I am making or have made too many mistakes in my life to be worthy of receiving what I ask for in prayer. (that was rough to type out loud). Now that has to be the devil, right? Leading me to believe that somehow I have made myself unworthy of the unconditional love, provisions, and blessing God has made readily available to me. Then I try to talk myself out of that thought, remembering that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14), that his plans for me are great (Jer. 29:11), and he literally stitched me together (Psalms 139:13). I still struggle with all this miraculousness. I know my worth, I know how special I am, I know what makes me stand out, I know what God has put in me, but I do not always believe it to be true. Instead I choose to believe my feelings about whatever current situation I am in. I look for the approval of others instead of tuning into my approval of myself.

I feel like whenever I talk about this it seems so easy. But I am alone with my thoughts, and it’s hard. It gets hard to believe in yourself sometimes. It is hard to believe that I am destined for greatness, and worthy of all things, that the desires of my heart will surely be granted to me.

For the rest of September and the month of October I choose God. I choose to pray with gratitude for what I hope to have in my life. I choose to accept that I deserve the best life has to offer. I choose to continue to think positively about that which I want, and not let what happens in the midst of that deter my thoughts. I choose to live in each and every moment. I choose to see every peril as a blessing, and every experience as a lesson. I choose to believe that all things work together for my good. Period.

I choose the good life. 😊

Hope

Future Hopes…

• That God speaks an important message to everyone I know in a way they can hear and understand
• Every member of my family was financially well off and living life comfortably
• All my friends and family members found love in the ways that have always been missing in their lives
• That my children know my family in ways I didn’t know mine
• That my Grandma is able to see me get married
• That Stella and Sam know themselves so well, that they rise above any pettiness that comes in their teen years.
• That Will is still happy to see me every day and proud that I am his
• That our nation will do what is right on all levels
• That we would stop killing each other
• That I didn’t have to worry about race, gender, or sexual preference.
• That I was more in tune with me
• That everyone had a job that didn’t feel like work
• That I could’ve met Maya Angelou
• That peace was an international resolution
• That children were safe
• That I could live up to my parents dream in a timely manner, so they can witness it
• That I can stand up and change something in the world

can you stand the rain

Today was not what I expected.
And I began to reflect on my past.
you know in all my past relationships, a fight meant the end. So now every time I fight with a significant other, I fear the end. The fight is never just a fight with an escalation and de-escalation, it becomes a time for my insecurities, anxiety and fears To flourish beyond belief. I remember everything i've done and try to think how I can do them differently.
so I thought of new edition, such simple words but not so much can you stand the rain, but can I.
am I able to endure, am I able to trust enough in what we have and who I am to you that I know a fight is not our demise?

Working on it. Scares me to death to think I may lose someone who means so much.

You know

31 years old. Trying to find my spot in this world. Trying to understand where I can plug myself in like a Lego and make an impact.
I mean does anyone ever really find it?
Do you find that place you fit perfectly. The people you fit perfectly with. And if so, how do you know?

All I know is throughout my life I am blessed to have interactions with the most wondrous of people. And I am moved by them. They take me to a different level in life, a different season.

I never want it to end.

It makes me wonder why God made these seasonal people at all? And why I can't keep just a few of them?
Even though I know why. They are all stepping stones to permanent people, and a more permanent me.

I hope, because of them, I become everything he intended. I hope my parents dreams for me come true. Shoot, I hope the dreams I have for myself, even just one, comes to fruition.
But most of all, right now in this moment, I hope I get to hold on to this truth that I feel. I hope the people in my life right now are permanent, and not seasonal.
I hope I never forget this feeling.

Knowing what it means to be happy. To be positive. To be dedicated. To feel peace. To feel beautiful from a look and no words. To feel wanted. To know I can change for the better. To know I am loved from all different directions.To know I am needed in someones space. To know that I bring joy.
To know true resilience. To know that despite what my months ago looked like, my today is great, and my tomorrow will be even better.

I am lovely. I am amazing. I am inspirational. I am, someone.

And I feel that. In my spirit.

You know I heard once, "you know the truth by the way it feels". Peace.