All the words I never said…
I never thought it would come to this. I actually thought this was it for me, that I had found the one. And I am feeling as though I have found myself naive again. Like I should’ve known better, after everything I’ve been through I shouldn’t have allowed myself to hope this much. This is a different heartbreak for me. A situation I have never been in, because this time I can’t run away, I don’t really have my space, I share my home with you and I still feel something. I am embarrassed to tell people we broke up, I am disappointed that I couldn’t make it work, I am defeated that something I did caused you to be so fed up with me, and my heart, my poor heart, I can’t explain how it feels. I still just want to wrap you up in a hug, and hear you say you changed your mind, and we are going to be ok. But I know that is not reality.
It’s so crazy to go from loving someone, to barely even saying hello and goodbye when leaving the house. A piece of me dies every time I come in the door, as I look around at this life we tried to make together, and realize I have to pack up and move on. Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. You have been my world for a year and a half, and now what? I’m so tired of moving on. I’m so tired of eventually not being enough. I’m so tired of feeling this way.
While I try to see the good in the situation, my heart is just not cooperating. It refuses to admit what hurt me, just like I mostly refuse to speak about it out loud; instead I am having dreams replaying every good time like a movie. I am walking through parts of the house and remembering every laugh and smile, every hug and kiss. It’s something no one can hold my hand through. No one can talk me through. It just is what it is. I’ll be ok, right?
I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I’m so sorry this wasn’t what you thought it would be. If your heart is broken I am so sorry. I wouldn’t want you to feel this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you wanted no matter how I tried. I’m sorry you weren’t happy. I’m sorry I can’t stop crying. I’m sorry that I sound so pitiful. It’s just, I love you.
And I will continue to pray for you, just like I have been fervently praying for me. No matter what has happened between us, I still believe you deserve great love. I still think you are a wonderful person. I’ll miss you, and I will miss us. I am thankful for the experience and what I have been able to learn.
Time to pick up all these pieces again, and figure it out.
