I just can't remember...

Lately I have been feeling a little off.
Do you ever feel this way? You know when life has you on this high and you are doing everything you want to do and everything you are supposed to do and then you suddenly realize you've lost focus, or just gotten into a rut? I think the ruts in life are normal. But I hate them.

Ruts have me driving home from work, listening to Jill Scott, talking to myself sorting out my thoughts and feelings.

Ruts make me mad because they open my eyes to the fact that maybe it might suck that I am this in tune with my feelings, that I am able to feel other people's emotions so deeply, and that I see situations for exactly what they are (even thought I wish so badly for them to be different).

I know I talk alot about my search for love in this crazy dating world. And in 4 years I have thought that I've come close to putting my finger on it, and then poof. I asked a friend the other day if he got tired of reading my blogs, because I sound like a whiny old hag. but he said I simply sound like someone who likes someone and wants them to like her back.

and this my friends, this is true. I'm also someone who is scared to death of what she is feeling right now. I've expressed it, I've told him. You know I have a problem keeping it to myself. But alas, those feelings are not yet reciprocated. And maybe it just takes people a little longer to get there. Just don't ask me to be open, don't tell me you won't hurt me, if its not true.

 I've always been pretty open to sharing my life with another person, and when I find someone to spend my time with I just want to envelope them in. But not everyone is like this. So I can understand why you aren't here feeling this with me right now, and I'm sorry this rant sounds a little insecure. (I never promised I was perfect).

And I know some people feel there is a due date by the time that we should be official, or have done this or that. But there really is something beautiful about taking your time. Even if we never get to a point of being together, at least I opened up to someone new. And its always good to open up. (my heart panged when I said that). Because I  know that things will go one of two ways.

And like I always tell my best, "I know this stops hurting after a while, I just can't remember when". Honestly I'd rather not feel that again.
And I just hope one day someone will be as excited, and anxious, and nervous about me again, as I am about you right now...