hdizzle's x factor

I was thinking today.. about my X-factor.. and not really the lauryn hill kind. though i have one of those i'm sure i'll reminise about one of these days on here, in a poem or something. My X-factor is a little different. mine is am i going to or not going to be friends with my X?

when i was younger this was the easiest thing on earth to do. I would break up with a guy, and we would still continue to be friends. It wasn't a problem. Maybe because my feelings really weren't that deep. But as the relationships got deeper staying friends got a little harder. let me break it down.....*all names have been changed*

X #1- puerto rico
my high school sweet heart. i thought that we would be together forever. like for real. he was my first almost everything and i was sure we were going to get married. now are we friends, no, are we cool i guess. but could we ever be friends no. because the same reasons we broke up are the same reasons why we cannot be friends. he just doesn't make sense. he asks me questions and wants answers, but when i ask him questions he doesn't answer. he won't answer anything about his personal life, and at the end of the day just wants to reminise about how we were in love and say that he misses me...but its all so weird....can't quite put my finger on it, but we won't ever be friends...

X#2- rude boi
wow.. this one.. this one...we're cool. we will forever be cool. he will always have a special place in this big heart of mine. but friends? don't trust him as far as i can throw him. don't count the fact that he lied while i was with him, did some other things that will go without mentioning, and then lied even after, and talked to me like i was dirt. even after he apologized to me, and told me how much love i truly deserve. we couldn't be friends. i'm sad to say, my knees still get a little weak around him. i still wonder what could've been. i was ready at one point to run to vegas in the middle of the night from flagstaff and marry this young man, but we didn't. and then i have to put myself in check and remember...he definently was not for me.

X#3-youngin'
this one i just can't put my finger on. all we did was fight. for a long time i felt like i was raising a child. but he loved me in a way i cannot explain. just unconditional, so christlike, no matter what i did, said, how i looked, how mad i got at him, whatever, his love NEVER changed towards me. and he was constantly trying to please me. that might be part of the reason we didn't last. i don't want a man i can boss around, one who will do everything i say. i definently want to be led, i want to be able to be the girl in the relationship. unfortunatley we are not able to be friends. and i still haven't put my finger on why. we can't hang out for more than two hours without fighting. and i don't want him back anymore, i don't want to be with him in that way, i just want to be able to be cool. but we are barely even aquantainces...

all this, this X- factor thinking, got me thinking about the next time i fall in love. "when i fall in love, it will be forever" well i hope the next time is like this. but in the event that its not. i want to be sure that we can be friends after. see everyone of these big relationships meant the world to me. and they are all people that i wanted to have in my life forever, even if they were just friends.

and i don't know where this is going mjf.. even though i think that you move way too fast sometimes. i'm not going to back away this time. i'm going to take  MY time with MY feelings. but i don't ever want you to be an X- factor.. you already mean so much....