common courtesy and my attitude

Lately I've been dating a little here and there. One specific person who I am interested in, we'll call him superstar, has told me repeatedly that my aura makes him feel like he cannot approach me like he would like to. I'm confused by this, a little put back. Because when he is around, I am always holding onto his arm, or resting my head on his shoulder, or basically trying to have some type of contact with him in some form. But when he touches me its a 1 minute thing, he'll hold my hand for a few seconds, rest his hand on my leg for a moment, there is just no major affection going on. And despite popular belief I am an affectionate person.

That being said, the only thing I could gather from his comment was that there is something I am saying that would be causing him to make me feel I am unapproachable. So I took a step back and tried to think. I mean yes I am a bit of a smart ass, I joke alot, but these are all aspects of my personality, and I don't mean any of this in a mean way. I just joke around alot, of course I have a bit of a wall up. Any one who TRULY knows me would know why.

Its not so much how many times I have been hurt by dudes, although that did start to get to me after a while. But its also what my "friends" have done to me and so forth. You know life since living in Arizona has been drastically different for me, and it has been very hard for me to find people that I can trust with my heart. So maybe I am a little standoffish. But I am really working on opening up.

So some time goes by and try to be different. I text more, I ask him to hang out, I'm sweeter, I'm just showing him more of what I call "relationship Heather". And honestly I feel like I kind of get shitted on here. And then I realize that maybe my so called aura, is a direct reflection of superstars actions towards me. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I will tell you just like I told him, I don't go off of words, I go off of actions. And his actions are not linking up with his words. "I like you", "I really enjoy spending time with you", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I promise I won't hurt you",  "I respect you". It all sounds good in theory, but at the end of the day, I don't feel most of that.

For example, I invite him to go to the movies with me one day, after he's called to tell me "he misses my face", the movie starts in two hours. He tells me he's in a city that is about 30 min from where we live and that he is not dressed. final answer. no I'm sorry. no maybe a different day. just point blank. "I'm in ________ and not dressed", hmm ok so am I not worth you getting dressed and coming to the movies? Or the other day I invited him over and he tells me sure I'll come after I get done with this work I have to do, around 9:30 I still haven't heard from him so I text him and see whats up, he says he's still doing the work. And all I think to myself is man, wouldn't it be common courtesy for you to call me or text me and say "hey sorry, I'm not done, I won't be able to make it over tonight"?. How about the fact that when we make plans he's not ever on time. Or that we always go out super late, and I am not a late late night person. All this just makes me feel like perhaps I'm not worth the effort, or maybe you have too much on your plate to devote too much time to me. (2 days a week is it?)

And all these things, I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Maybe we just don't understand each other, or its an AZ thing and dudes just don't put the work in anymore. But why would I not be standoffish if this is how you are towards me at times? It totally throws me off. My common sense tells me you are not feeling me when you act this way.

Dating already drives me crazy. I'm more sensitive then I let on. And when I like people I like them. But this is why I also hate opening up, because it seems like right when I get comfortable, dudes sense that, and fall back, or confuse me. Leaving me wondering, what was the point in flapping your gums about how much you like me? If you really do then act like it, I know I have a little rough exterior. But I promise if you can just be real, these walls will come down pretty easy.

Get it together superstar. I'm not that tough of a shell to crack. But your actions do affect my attitude. check and check mate...