defining me....

I was just writing back one of my dear friends on facebook this evening and I told him something that shocked me. Please don't read this and think I'm weird, but I told him that I'm doing better than well I'm actually doing great, and I can't believe I am actually at a place where I can say that.

I know I write alot about whats not going right in my life, but when I take the time to reflect I really am better than I thought I'd ever be. Let me break this down for you.
We all have that time in our lives that breaks us down and we just don't know if we will ever recover. I have always been a most resilient person, most things get to me but only for a little while and I keep trucking. I also am a genuinely happy person. But I had that period in my life where everything just seemed to shut down, and years later I never thought I would actually recover. I mean of course I have after effects but when they say you really are better from what happens to you, they mean it.

I so appreciate all the pain and discomfort of losing who I thought I was and discovering who I truly am. Last September until now has been like a roller coaster for me, and it has really been a time for me to reflect, grown, and learn. I feel like India Arie, "I found strength, courage, and wisdom, inside of me". I realized I could let go of unhealthiness, I could be there in the clutch for friends, I was able to manage myself financially in a bind, I'm way more responsible than I thought, I can get straight A's if I put my mind to it, I'm still fun, and best of all I make a difference to those in my life. Before that time I had no idea who I was anymore. I was just going through the motions, now I have defined me.(exhale here, I almost dropped a tear).

 I am so thankful for the opportunity to have the time to myself to be able to reconnect with God in a way I have never been able to do in my adult life, and now my joy is restored. I'm blessed beyond measure. I have wonderful friends both near and far, a family that I would lay down my life for at any point, my first niece on her way (I can't wait to meet you Stella), a job where I actually make a difference in people's lives, a car that runs, money to pay my bills, a roof over my head, clothes and shoes to wear, food to eat, good music to listen to, and occasionally a hand to hold  ;).  and I'm able to bless those around me, which is something that makes me happier than I can put into words. I love to give, and its so nice to finally be able to. I have almost everything I want, and the rest I can wait on.

So what's next? Just keep moving forward and make a list of things I want to do and check them off as I go along. And NEVER stop defining me. I learn new things about myself every, single, day. And I love myself more each minute. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be RIGHT NOW, and that's such a comforting feeling.

T.D. Jakes says to make a list of 30 things you want to do in your life and check them off as you accomplish each one. Well I am super tired, and I don't even know if I have thirty things. But here is a tentative list for now...

1. graduate from grad school
2. get back to being a youth pastor
3. publish my poetry book (its already written)
4. travel to Europe
5. take a cruise
6. sing on one person's song (if i can get up enough courage)
7. join big brothers and big sisters
8. take kick boxing classes
9. buy a house

**hahaha i can't even think of anymore right now. I am just over filled with happiness lately. and I hope my happiness reaches you, and that its contagious. Exhale the past, inhale the future. I'm on my way to the best days of my life....

are you coming?