Being Conditioned

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about the things that irritate me, or make me upset, and why.

And then I was thinking about how I choose to handle those things or those situations when I am in them. The conclusion that I came to, or what I noticed I guess I should say is that throughout my life I have become conditioned. Do you notice this about yourself?

Like if I get irritated with my parents or a family member, I have been conditioned to handle it a certain way. I cry, I get upset; I talk to my mom about it, two or three times (lol) or don’t talk to my mom about it (if she is the one I am upset with). And then I apologize and I move forward.

If my friends do something that upset me. Depending on the severity of it, I say what’s bothering me, they tell me what’s bothering them, and then I apologize and we move forward.

If my dude does something that I am not fond of. I either say something, or lately I am noticing I don’t say something. I keep it in. and I keep it in because I have been conditioned through past situations to feel that my speaking up is in some way an intrusion, a nag, a full out waist of time and annoyance. So when I do actually speak up, and say “hey man, this kind of bothers me”. I end up apologizing for over reacting or not being patient enough, or not taking their feelings into consideration.

Noticing a trend here?

Somehow I have conditioned myself through my relationships all around, to be an apologizer. Even when I’m not wrong. Even when I don’t need to. Just to make situations right. Just to make someone else feel comfortable. I say sorry all the time. And I don’t even feel comfortable most times saying, “this really hurts me, this makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t like it when you do this”.

Now the question is how do I uncondition myself. Is it ok to speak my mind, or speak my feelings out loud? Am I going to offend the people I love so much? Does it make me a bad person to not apologize? Are my feelings valid?

I would go into specifics, but I think its time to keep the specifics to myself and speak in general terms. I just want to know I can say what I’m feeling, I can say what’s bothering me, and people aren't going to run away in mass terror and decide I’m not someone they can deal with as a friend, as a love, or even as a family member anymore.

I speak my mind on a lot of things. But there are some things I really hold in.

I dunno man; maybe I should follow my own advice. If I keep holding things in, they are just going to fester.

Time for some new conditioning?