It's been a good month and a half for me. About 6 weeks ago (I can't even believe its been that long) I made a difficult decision to walk away from someone I thought I loved very deeply. This in turn has made that person feel like I can't stick with something, I gave up on us,so forth and so on. And has made me feel as though I have never been more misunderstood.
The reality is, I can't pin point when things started to go wrong. All I know is that one day I was comfortable and the next I was not, and that feeling continued for several months. Now, I have a habit of making myself uncomfortable in relationships, in order to make the other person comfortable. This is something I have vowed after this experience that I will never do again. I can't take the anxiety, the questioning of myself, even, I hate to admit, the slight depression.
I like to think that I know who I am. I like to think that I am pretty confident. But I also like to think that I am humble enough to realize the things that I need to work on. I don't always need a push in the right direction (asked for or not asked for). I have always been a person with the ability to look inside, and evaluate what I am doing.
Ok so enough with the back story rambling.
Towards the end there, me and this young man, seemed to have worked out our problems. But what we worked out was only the surface level, not what was below. After I expressed everything that I felt, all of my pain and feelings, things seemed to be changing, and I was feeling comfortable being me. Then we got into a stupid fight (which was as usual "of my provoking") and what ensued after the fight is what led to my decision.
It was the fact that when I apologized, he was honest with me, which I appreciate, but he questioned everything about us being together just from this one argument that was so childish. It was the fact that I again alone had come to make amends, and that again our bickering was on my shoulders. It was the fact that he proceeded to tell me what else I had done since the 3 weeks we'd been back together that had upset him. All of which I had been oblivious to.
I felt my heart break. Literally. Like an ant in the sun under a microscope, I was put in display, and again everything he didn't like at that moment had been pointed out to me. I crumbled under the weight.
I took time to think about it. I poured over the situation, cried for a few days, prayed. And realized that I was probably always going to do something that was not to this man's liking. That no matter how much he loves me, he doesn't like me. Jill Scott's lyrics would never ring true here, "you love me, you like me". That finally I had to make a decision that would make me comfortable, it had nothing to do with being able to stick with something through good and bad, but everything with being able to know when its time to call it quits.
And this still rings true. Even though we are broken up, I am still reminded of what is "wrong" about me, and the way I handle things, or react, or do things, or anything I do that is not "healthy for me" in his eyes. And it makes me feel so beneath him. I know they say no one can make you feel like less of yourself, but constant, (whether everyday, or every week) reminding of "how you could do that better" or why we're fighting and what the bigger picture is (our poor communication, my tone, something that always links back to me), will definitely take its toll on you.
Most times our conversations make me question myself. And wonder am I really that fucked up? Is there something really wrong with me? Do people really hate me? Is there that much about me that would make a relationship this hard? There are two people here right???
I know I haven't hallucinated the details of this relationship. He has a different idea on the details however. And our perceptions are our realities. But to the core, we are two completely different people, and that we agree on. We seem not to be able to understand each other. And accept each other?
I thought I accepted him. But it was pointed out to me today (by guess who) that I actually never have.
one day these things will line up for both of us.
But this, is not that time.
smh
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